Ep17 | Am I A D**khead?! (Ft Aaron Roach Bridgeman)

much of what we consider to be male ego is based on long-held assumptions and stereotypes about masculinity and it's a reflection of self and the moment that that's threatened we react to defend ourselves so that's why I think that's what happens to us when we're when we're thinking about how masculine we need to be and we're thinking about our respect and our pride as soon as I've touched it's like no you've touched my ego bro I'm not a prick this is talking to my thoughts welcome to talking to my thoughts the podcast where we have open honest and raw conversations about the things that are playing in our minds my name is Simon aka SJ I'm a video creator I'm a father and I'm a business enthusiast and my name is Craig aka Mr Positive a cheesy motivator with big dreams and a passion for helping people find and maintain their peace yes yes and we are thankful today to be joined by our guest Aaron please introduce yourself yeah I feel like lesser in comparison to you so you've got some big some big intros I like it my name is Aaron Roach Bridgman I'm a TV presenter a documentary maker a poet and I'm also a behavior specialist mad mad mad thank you so much I know he's trying to be humble he's trying to be humble thank you thank you so yeah so obviously in this podcast we bring a unique perspective on our inner thoughts by literally pre-recording the things that are on our mind before talking about them amongst the group now we do this because we believe before you can be open with others you first have to be open with yourself now make sure you guys stay updated and follow us on our socials at talking to my thoughts now today's topic is am I a dickhead we're talking about male ego we're talking about ego so when we're looking at ego it's defined as basically yourself it means I in Latin which I actually didn't know it means I so for you guys when we're talking about ego what's the first things that come to your mind when we address that word for me our greatest enemy it's hard because I've got many different interpretations of ego but when I think of initially when you hear the word ego I think what you think is is like I guess the fuels that some people use to believe in greatness in their greatness I know it's a bit controversial but there is there is something in that that's deep I think yeah when I when I originally thought of the word ego for me I almost think about insecurity okay and I think that's the word that just pops up to me when I'm thinking about someone who has a big ego or someone that's egotistical I almost think there's an insecurity behind that and that's just how I address it that's interesting cool I know we'll see we'll see where we get a little bit further with those word associations but we'll dig a little bit deeper by going into our first pre-record I'm happy to pull up Aaron's one Aaron we'll have a listen Craig pay attention to the words that come out Aaron's mouth we'll see how we go and then we'll open up the conversation man let's go yeah ego is an important attribute of all people that we need to get under control like personally when it comes to ego I've always tried to minimize mine down to a minimum there are positives of egos like you know ego can also equate to confidence I think where you have more confidence in your craft and you bring more confidence to what you do but I think ego can also be detrimental where you start to believe in the hype you start to believe in the hype of yourself you start to move in reflection of the hype and you can lose yourself and you can start to believe everything that is said to you you see me I'm a person that compliments kind of go through one ear and come out the other the things that do stay with me more are the criticisms I'm very self-critical I try to improve upon the things that could be better rather than focusing on all the things that people think are great so for me the minimizing of ego has always been something that is at the forefront of what I do and who I am I'm not gonna lie and say that I do not have an ego you know I mean like I guess to a certain extent anyone that steps in front of camera or if I have an audience needs to have some sort of ego self-belief or supreme confidence in themselves but I think that for me comes more from what I do as opposed to who I am I don't have in my head that I'm some sort of special superior being or what I do have is that I an understanding of blessing every opportunity is a blessing to do what I do is a blessing I'm not special I'm not great but I've been blessed the opportunity I need to do the best with that I can and also set the best example that I can so those things take the forefront more for me than some egotistical way of being and that's what I would say about that to be honest I guess it's interesting like going I always love like hearing people's thoughts about it because I almost think that if somebody hasn't even thought about it for long they always go through this journey where they're like one person and then by the end of it they're another person so at first you actually mentioned like your ego was almost like a friend something that you use and then it becomes actually it's not really ego it's more self-belief and doing stuff that you are setting the best example where you actually have to put your ego in the back seat which is what I think a lot of people have a confusion about is that they think that their ego is their friend because it's what drives them but actually you can have drive without being egotistical by it in a sense but I think you know what it is I think that the word ego and egotistical are different I think ego doesn't always relate directly to you being egotistical but for me ego and I think self-confidence or self-belief are almost synonymous almost I know it's different but I think when you become egotistical that's because you're full of too much ego but I think there can be a certain level of ego that you can possess that allows you to have confidence but also allows you to have humility I think when you have too much ego that's when you become egotistical because what's happened now is that the ego has inflated too much the ego has taken over and there's no humility left if that makes any sense but that's the piece you see that place that you said inflated so you could have self-belief this is where you are self-belief but when you inflate it where you're almost beyond what you actually believe in yourself then you're now starting to you're almost like overreaching into other places in a sense so yeah I think that keyword that you said is inflated is a key part Simon what's your thoughts on that?

the interesting thing I picked up about that and I guess it kind of goes back to partly what you said as well is when you first mentioned ego and you tried to build what kind of definition that is for you what struck it for me is the same way you can apply it to an emotion when you have anger you can have anger and generate it in a good way or you can have anger and generate it in a bad way so that's what kind of connected with me a little bit is that how you then apply ego into how you operate through life and I guess you expanded upon that when you talked about self-belief and then having confidence now for me again when I associate that word ego I picture it almost negatively and I don't know if that's the right way to go about it because obviously you've come from a perspective of you can have it as confidence do we really need to be what egotistical or have an ego to be confident?

do we need to have an ego? is there a possible way of being confident without having an ego?

the definition of ego is self-esteem is the possession of self-esteem or I believe it's self-esteem or self-importance so I think even just in a definition itself it shows you it's almost giving you like a positive and a negative word for what it can be self-esteem for me is not something that's negative it could be a positive thing self-importance though however can be something that's very negative and I believe that ego is just as fragmented I believe that ego like I said to Craig I said I think that ego in the right kept in the right state or kept at the right level can be something where you just express self-esteem or self-confidence but I feel that with ego I feel like the reason why we think of it as negative is because we think about the word egotistical straight away we think about the negative connotations that's associated with someone who's got a big head you know what I mean?

when we think of ego we think of big head, he's got a big head you know what I mean?

he's full of himself but if I'm really really honest with you it's only when you asked me this question today that I thought about the word ego I haven't actually spent much time to consider the semantics of the word ego before it's only since you've asked me today the question where I've been like okay ego and I just spoke kind of freely but once again once I've thought about it I still maintain my opinion I still think that ego I think because ego comes from a from a Latin word right?

yes comes from a Latin word yeah and it means what again? I, it means I exactly who am I? have I got too much ego? have I got too much I? is there too much of me?

am I too full of myself or is my I at a level where I can give you confidence but I'm also I've got enough humility to display to you that actually I am not so much caught up in my own belief of myself that I can't hear what you're saying as well or I can't take in or actually Aaron you're really good at that but you could do this as well to be better you know what I mean? so I think I is very important I, who is I?

how much I do you have? Craig how much I is in you? is Mr. Positive all about I? he's not Mr. Positive is about we you understand?

you've got the right level of ego, humility and understanding I don't know maybe I'm going off tangent but this is how I see it in my mind no no it's good we never ever say like we would diminish our ego we will get rid of it there is a plot it has to play so the level of it is actually control so yes there yes ego may translate straight into I but then you still have to have I before you can have we like without you you can't actually give anything if you don't have yourself then you can't give it you can't pour into anybody else so actually you still have to have it but if you have too much of it it will only be about you it will almost be like what would I think?

what would I need at this time? what would I do?

and then it just gets you lost in a sense so yeah that's a I agree with you in that sense and it's good that you explained it because yeah it's like yeah we never ever say oh we're just gonna get rid of our ego like obviously it was given to us and it's a part of us for a reason so actually what is necessary is control and I guess I'll kind of feed back into my voice recording as well for how I've been able to learn about ego actually just before you jump into yours Craig sorry to cut you off there was one thing that kind of stuck with me or one thing that I picked up and I actually want to read it to you guys just to get your opinion on it as well because obviously when we're talking about this topic we're not just talking about specific ego in terms of confidence but essentially when we're talking about male ego and the society that we live in a lot of it is fueled negatively like when we're talking about am I a dickhead?

like that's the thing as soon as your feelings get touched as soon as your ego gets touched that's the first thing that comes out your mouth am I a prick? like what do you think this is?

exactly and it's about like you're essentially looking at respect you're looking at pride you're looking at those things now one thing I wanted to pick up on which I'll mention is that much of what we consider to be male ego is based on long-held assumptions and stereotypes about masculinity and it's a reflection of self and the moment that that's threatened we react to defend ourselves so that's why I think that's what happens to us when we're thinking about how masculine we need to be and we're thinking about our respect and our pride as soon as that's touched it's like no you've touched my ego bruv I'm not a prick how do we flip that to be more of a positive thing?

how do we control those scenarios? what do we do?

what is happening is expectation you have an expectation as to how people will speak to you how people will treat you and how people are going to say something to you so because of that expectation you are setting yourself up for a let down because you know what we probably have abuse thrown at us all the time is that somebody coming up to you Simon they say oh you're a black man you're like a durr if they say you're an angry black man then you're like rah it's true still but the thing is actually the thing is if you was peaceful about yourself and you didn't have that inside of you you'd be like what are you talking about?

then you walk away so then again the attack what you're saying is probably pretty interesting because you're saying it's an attack but actually that's why I said to you that ego to me was your greatest enemy because a lot of it is actually inner conflict it's not actually much to do with the world at all the world is just going to be the world as it always is actually a lot of it is to do with inner conflict a lot of it is actually to do with the fact of you are unsure about yourself so you're trying to tell the world no look I want you to talk to me this way and then you need to make sure you don't say this to me or you don't do this to me and then I'll be okay the lack that you have inside yourself you will basically overcompensate on the outside so you're overcompensating on the outside trying to fill yourself in so when you're trying to I don't know like somebody steps to you on the street kind of thing you could just walk away but you'd know in yourself that if you walk away you have a feeling in yourself that you look like a dickhead it's true but the thing is actually if you just knew for yourself that you're a grown man I don't know I have children like this is petty what's the point of me even getting into this they just want to express themselves you can just walk away that statement that you initially read Simon kind of like resonated because I think I don't think about that but when I think about the context and how the word is used and how it's meant a lot of times you might hear like I speak to my female friends and they might speak about rejection of a man and they might talk about I bruised his ego I hurt his ego and that's why maybe the response that the man gives back is always a little bit disrespectful when doesn't need to be but it's because once again they say the ego has been bruised and I think the ego is something that can be hurt and bruised you know what I mean but that for me comes more with those whose ego level is maybe too high I'm in a relationship now you get me say normal but when I wasn't if I was to approach a female and she was to respond with some form of not you know disinterest or not interested that's fine I'll tell her to have a good day and I wish you well keep it moving some men can't take that because once again I think maybe their machismo or their masculinity or over masculinity has been wrapped up in their ego which is a dangerous combination I think that's how I picked up the word that's why when I heard the word ego I initially associated with insecurity and I think that's where it played into it's like because you act upon that and the way you react to your ego you essentially are insecure as we're talking about you need to be confident in yourself some of the most egotistical people are the most insecure 100% because again as we kind of talked about it's the lack inside of themselves so they're overcompensating on the outside so that egotistical is just the overcompensation of what they don't have inside of themselves crazy Craig let's go for yours man let's see what you got to see men's ego I think I see ego a little bit different to everybody else like I don't see ego just about you being cocky or you being a bit aggressive actually I see ego in the sense when you think your opinion is a fact when I kind of discovered that your ego can also be when you think you know everything your opinion is a fact you know better or you know people better than they do all of that is incorrect your ego will actually be your greatest enemy or probably is your greatest enemy it stops you from receiving your blessings it stops you from connecting with people properly it stops you from connecting to the world properly and understanding it can cause you a lot of pain I'm not sure where our ego really comes from I guess we have this human nature to want to control things so if we can just start acting like we have the power of predicting then we can control our environment right?

nobody wants to walk in unsureity but all we do is walk in unsureity when I first discovered about like our ego being more than just our I guess as the title says am I a dickhead?

when it was more than just that I really started to discover things about myself all the things I believed about myself that were negative or weren't pushing me in the right direction I had to let go because my ego thought I knew myself better I questioned that because if I knew everything about myself would I really put myself in bad situations would I really allow bad people in my life would my life ever be bad?

so clearly there's something I don't know the most freeing statement I ever had in my life was Craig, what if you didn't know everything and what if you didn't even know everything about yourself because when you begin to understand you don't know everything then you have no expectations about the world and when you don't know everything about yourself you can become whoever you want to be you no longer say I'm an introvert I'm shy I can't do public speaking I can't model I can't do this field I can't do videos but now look at where you are now when you've let go of you assuming or predicting and thinking you know everything you've been able to become greater than you ever thought you could be so I question about ego we act like it's our best friend and we use it as our main tool almost like when we speak to people we face a situation our ego steps in first before we even allow our heart to step in so I have a different mindset about our ego and I'm not trying to make it my best friend I'm trying to put that in the back seat I'm trying to overcome it properly and understand I need to control my ego because it doesn't serve me so use the fire but don't burn yourself so use the fight use the eagerness use the strength and power you have in yourself but don't let it overcome you to think that you know everything and in every single situation that you're going to be right because you're not from when you were speaking it seemed like you acknowledge and accepted that ego is always going to be a part of you as we've obviously defined it it's more about self but when you obviously just from that last bit you mentioned is that you're talking about okay how do I suppress that or how do I put that on the back seat why do you feel that ego is something that can't be a part of you in that way why do you feel that you have to put that somewhere away from yourself essentially so that you can move forward why do you approach it like that?

I guess it was kind of like the journey of Mr.

Positive for example you want to be positive and motivate people you are making suggestions on what you think what you think is the right way to do it it's almost like you're up here and then people and how they feel are down here so you try to kind of reach your hand down and try to pull them up and drag them up right but to actually help people the only way you can help them is by being where they are and walk with them so my ego or the way I saw the world or life in a sense started to make me realise what I'm trying to aim or what I'm trying to gain is not working I don't know everything about everybody I don't know everything about the way the world is going to work and yeah I may have achieved something in my way but not my way works for everybody so as life began to show me what I say or what I do or how I hold myself isn't for everybody I started to realise well okay if it's not for everybody am I just completely wrong?

is there something I'm missing? and then I had to start to take a bit of a step back why do I think that way?

I think the book that kind of unlocked that for me was called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle The Power of Now basically talks about our greatest pain lives in time and the time is basically the past and the future is where pain lives but if you focus on being present you won't feel any pain but he attached that to ego because our ego makes us think that it has to change and it has to be done in the way that we wanted and then the future has to happen in the way that we expect it to be but if you actually was in control of all of that information you would never do anything wrong you would never make wrong decisions so that means you then realise actually there's no point thinking about the future because I don't know what's going to happen and then think about the past, the past is done you're not going back, there is no time capsule there is no change in it, it's happened because it happened for a reason and the second part to it is if you are happy with where you are today and grateful for a few things all of those things that happened in the past that were the wrong way the way that you didn't expect it to happen they had to happen for you to be where you are today us thinking that we know everything is causing us pain and one of the biggest things I'm trying to do is find my peace and help other people find their peace I start to realise you need to let go of thinking that you know everything and ego was a great attachment to that in my opinion, sorry I understand Craig's perspective and to be honest I find agreement with a lot of his perspective the only place of disagreement I find myself is that I think Craig sees ego strictly in a negative context and I don't think I think I'm thinking about ego from a more philosophical or maybe even semantic level I'm looking at the definition of the word as opposed to what we attach it to and that's the only difference that I think we have but in terms of what he says I find agreement in what he says and from a psychoanalytical definition, ego is described as the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity and I don't think someone I guess testing their own reality or understanding what is real or what is plausible, feasible and what is not and also who they are as a person is a negative thing I don't see it as a negative thing but where I think what Craig comes into play though is where we speak about mediating between the unconscious and the conscious I feel like some people are living in the unconscious and also living and understanding life from a unrealistic level hence why it says responsible for reality testing I feel like what some people have as an understanding or even a view of themselves and what is around them is unrealistic No so do you know what essentially again these are we're picking up so many words from this as well and just exactly what you described is how I picture it to be when you have an expectation when you're looking at this is your reality in your mind your unconscious reality is this is what it's meant to be so that's when you start throwing your expectations about what the world should be like and if the world doesn't meet that expectation that's when your ego starts getting touched 100% because some people realistically think that consciously unconsciously I am the greatest thing ever and you need to be respecting me as the greatest thing and the reason why I say ego can be positive is because bro there are some people that have that level of ego and bro they do well with it baby if you believe if you believe something about yourself so much you can make everybody believe it bro Kanye West believes that he Kanye West said my presence is a present and he made people believe that bro some people think that Kanye West is the biggest genius in the world and albeit Kanye West does have genius to his level of creativity but is he the greatest mind of our generation I don't think so bro he's very flawed but he believes it himself and sometimes when you believe something about yourself so much others around you and others can start to believe it too and it happens to like I've seen a lot of people that are so egotistical that it's carried them right to the top but the problem is it's a dangerous place to be because when you believe you're greater than even maybe greater than I don't know if you're religious or not but greater than who has created us it's a dangerous place to be because that rise to the top will be an even more horrid and horrible fall to the bottom bro you understand and you won't know how to deal with it because you don't understand why someone as great as me can actually fall off how can I fall off when I'm so great that can happen to anybody and that's where we need the humility the line that resonates the most with most of the people I deal with is actually our imagination is what is basically what causes us the most pain not our reality so oh you suffer more in your imagination than you do in your reality so actually when you come to the whole ego thing your ego is now making you think well your imagination should be your reality and it's not happening so then that's when you're overcompensating in the sense you're oh you're doing too much and then you also touch about the other part which is the conscious and unconscious now if you keep telling yourself that you're the greatest in consciously what's going to end up happening as human beings are habitual and routine we will begin to believe it in our subconscious where to the point where not only will you you wouldn't even have to start saying it anymore you will just believe it in yourself and you start to move like that in the same sense again as you said it can be a very very powerful thing in a good way and a bad way because it could be bad because you'll start moving differently like oh yeah I'm the shit I'm the best there is and then you start stepping over people and everything like that but this again goes back to the first thing you said of over inflation or or you consider you are great and you are one of the best there is of who you are of the person that you are and you start moving in the level that you need to be moving like with a way that kind of God intended he wanted you to be completely in full belief of yourself he wanted you to think you're the shit because actually only you can do you but when you start to think that who you are is better than others now you're overcompensating again that's why I told you it's like I'm backseating my ego because I don't want it to be the driver's seat I want the person who I really am of myself to be the driver's seat and then the ego can just chip in and keep pushing me ahead but if I make him the driver's seat he's going to start driving all over people and all over the world and everything else and then I'm at the back saying hey that's not what we're supposed to be doing and I think that's that's the analogy that I see of it if you put him in the front seat he's like I was driving everywhere we're just going to go straight he's like no you've got to turn this corner but then the heart is no no no just go straight over them that's a very good point because I feel like what you're saying there is related to what I was saying in terms of you know I guess how much ego we're allowing you're not allowing to sit like you know I mean it's when you've got your bridgings then when you've got your girl really truly your girl should be sitting in the front seat my guy you know what I mean just because of the respect that we're putting on our girlfriend you understand you can't be going in the back and the man in the middle front it's a disrespect so what I'm saying is I feel like it's the same thing with the ego it's like okay cool ego I know you're there and I can see what positives you had for me but I know if I let you get too much power you're going to make you're going to cause a madness me and my girl are going to have a madness because of you ego you know what I mean so put ego at the back you get me because limit the ego's influence on our actions by putting him in the back I like that by putting it in the back seat and who we have in the front seat should be our humility like my a lot of what I do I do it not for me I realise that I might not even get the accolades that I deserve maybe in the time that I'm here but I don't really care about that because I realise what I'm doing is actually to create the basis and the foundation for what happens or for who comes after me yeah so I realise that I'm very happy with that yeah a lot of things that I do in my career is not even about me either it's about what can I do to make sure that I set the best example and also show that things are achievable yeah not for me for them and also the main goal that I have in my career is for me to build my own school that is dedicated to behaviour issues so I tell you this to tell you this when I tell people these things they don't really understand that some people do get it I think it's really amazing but a lot of people are like why would you waste your time in dedicating so much of what you do to other people there are two types of people in this world some people see our life to be about how much we can accumulate for ourself for the eye other people understand that while we're here we need to do as much as we can for we two distinct types of people and I think those who are dedicated to the eye I think it's because they are what?

too egotistical me and Craig and yourself Simon we've got our ego in the back seat you see me ego's in the back seat and we realise that what we can do for our people as a whole is in the front seat that's more important if I have a platform where I can affect loads of people and impact loads of people I need to be doing that I can't just dedicate it all to myself it's nonsensical and it's selfish you get me bud Q&A time question time let's see how we go Craig have you got one do you want to go first?

Yeah I got one so how has your ego affected you at work?

Yeah to be honest ego has affected me the way we're being in front of camera everyone thinks it's about you but I quickly realised just how important the team is and in fact how little my importance is in comparison and I also realised that with what I was doing it wasn't about me in fact I was actually the conduit or the medium there is a subject matter and information that needs to be communicated there's an audience that needs to receive that information I'm literally just in the middle I'm here to deliver that to you it's not about me I needed to understand and know that what I do is not so much about me it's about the amazing do you know how important sound is in TV you know how important the sound is if my sound is messed up everything that we're filming and how good everything was it's invalid dash it away because my sound man over here who likes marking up my skin with sticky things and he loves laughing because he knows I hate it and we have a great relationship he's so important but you don't see him so whenever my shows came out I used to always big up my whole team I said I know you guys only see me but please understand this team right here is what has made this so good I'll be honest if you think it's all about you you're not really good you have to understand this thing is bigger than us I think I mean obviously likewise me and me and Aaron kind of work in a similar industry obviously I work in media as well so I definitely resonate with that in terms of being you have to quickly realise that it's a team effort you have to quickly realise that you I don't know how it would even be possible for someone in a team to say it's all about me because you can't function by yourself as we say there's no I in team alright this perfect example yeah I watched The Last Dance who watched that Michael Jordan he's the guy everyone knows he's the guy yeah he knows he's the guy he's got the ego he's got the guy he's the guy with the big ego but he even himself has to admit that without Dennis Rodman without Scottie Pippen without them man what trophies would he have won nothing he wouldn't have gotten that in he might have got the MVP because he was a good player but in terms of the team he ain't getting nothing bruv because even when them men were missing look what happened right they were losing my guy right and he's the big man so I hear you there you go so in terms of for me when it comes to work again my work ethic and the work that I do is it's never a solo effort to be fair if I'm honest with you now that I think about it the only time where my ego may kick in slightly is when I'm thinking about okay what am I worth in terms of the role that I'm doing when I'm not being appreciated and I'm not being well not even respected but not being appreciated not being acknowledged for the work I'm doing that's when my ego kicks in and goes hold on a minute I know who I am I know what I'm worth why am I not getting this and that's when I start thinking about me I want to raise I want to be able to do this I want these opportunities and that's when my ego kicks in so I think there's definitely a level to my ego in work but I always make sure that especially when it comes to the process of putting together videos putting together content the ego isn't there it can't exist because the thing wouldn't function and you know that I wouldn't even call that your ego I would just call that your self value I don't think you taking a moment to consider your valuation to a project to your level of what you should be estimated in terms of your value to a project should be seen as ego I think it's just seen as self value or even self worth and I think some people might say self worth is to do with ego but I don't think it is I think that's something that we need to do more I think sometimes we underplay ourselves we underplay ourselves and therefore underpay ourselves you get me and I don't think there's anything wrong with saying would you know what I think I've got to the stage now where like this should be my day right now and if they can't pay it then maybe I might have to step away until you understand that what I bring to the table is worth what I'm saying because it's never going to be unreasonable none of us are out here trying to charge an arm and a leg it's just what we deserve now because we know the industry we know what we've achieved there's nothing wrong with that bro it's not ego so yeah I'm in a bit more of a solo kind of person so obviously I did a lot of world development which was more solo when did my ego kind of kick in when I first got into it I quickly realised I had to do stuff for my clients more than anything else and even that was kind of hard because it was like well you've obviously employed me to do the best work I can so there's a part where I'm doing my best work but then there's certain things that like there's a budget there's timing the boss is saying that you need to just do a little bit less so we can complete at the right time I said that's not right so that was one thing that's more of an easier way I think again some of the stuff like when I thought about ego I've never really been I'm not a road man I'm not road man I don't try that I've never been in no fights before nothing like that so I've never been in that kind of sense but it's more of a two things that actually affected me was one was work and one is relationships with people so work in a work sense there's been times that I'm just having disagreements with my boss about certain things and I'm just like I'm just standing my ground about it and saying like yeah he's just he's just doing wrong thing etc but you kind of have to just take the step back because sometimes you're overcompensating you're trying to fight such a big cause you're not overcompensating and you're now saying things that are beyond that are putting your that are questioning your integrity because before obviously I can say yeah look it's going to take this time this much to do this and then you stand your ground and you sit with it but then sometimes you're just having a bad day and they're just they're just out here trying to step on you so then you start saying look I could just I could just leave and I know you need me I could just leave and then some obviously thankfully for me that works but but there's been times when actually you know what you are just a cog in the wheel you could actually they could just replace the cog you know so you actually you have to you would have to check yourself and I do agree with the part about yeah sometimes you have to question your ego in the sense of when you're trying to look for more money in a sense but I do believe it's more of a self-belief I think a very interesting part interesting line when I ran an event before there was a line a topic that was put on the on the on the screen and it said to all the men do you think you can you can stand your ground and be a good guy at the same time yep and the majority of men said no oh really over 70% of the men believe that they couldn't stand their ground like stick up for themselves and be a good guy at the same time and I said I believe you can if you can stand your ground that's what it is and if a person's not going to accept your ground you leave but then they say no you've got to be a bad guy I was like wow okay it's because I believe that in the UK we have a very passive aggressive culture because we we try to do we try to be implicit all the time I think the British way is to be oh I'm sorry what I think you know and it's very implicit very passive aggressive and then what happens is if you've got too much passive aggressive aggression it's only a matter of time before it becomes aggression bro oh no but I think this no but Aaron no we really think that 1500 is no but I'm telling you it's not and then before you know it escalates it's like I'm a dickhead I'm a dickhead you know on the emails as my previous email said as we aforementioned you know what I mean I'm like come on my guys but yeah it's very interesting so how does first of all there's two parts to it so how does ego affect your relationship with women and do you think the best relationship work best relationships work when a man has control over his own ego or the woman has a level of understanding and can manage it accordingly wow so I had a thought about this go go go go go go alright alright alright so there has definitely been times I've had so I'm going to be really honest with everyone because we want to be completely real we're not saints in this I'm going to be really honest there's been times in my relationships that I'm actually there this raising their voices something is just going wrong and then sometimes you're not even you didn't do anything wrong but they're being petty about it what you class as petty and then you're actually just thinking am I actually a dickhead right now you're raising your voice in my property even on the phone you're putting caps in the phone and I'm like I'm not that guy I'm not even that you're just losing it kind of thing so that's definitely you're putting the caps in I'm like and then they want to call you and they want to start raising voices as well you know and I'm like oh my so you're like you're actually starting to lose it so that is the case where I'll definitely say we're not saints this is where there's a level of control that is required not just in relationships but especially with relationships with women because it's almost like you care for each other too much or you're just thinking I'm not one of your you know I'm not one of your little friends but you are at this point with you being this petty you are so the second part of the question is how does it affect yes it can your ego can start to really because if you love and care for a person and show respect as they say in the Bible love is patient and love is love is kind kind of thing that is not showing patience when you start shouting at each other that's not it obviously we're human so we lose it so the second part of the question says do you think basically do you think men should be controlling it or do you think women should be more patient with it a bit of both but I will always side with the person controlling themselves first there's so many things that you can associate with how your ego is enabled essentially when we're talking about trust again we're looking at insecurities we're looking at pride we're looking at respect all of those things get touched in somewhere or another when you're in a relationship so when you're thinking about your first in a relationship and I can just say only how maybe my ego may have been touched at some point in a relationship is thinking about okay when you're first dating someone and you're thinking ah who else is he chatting to you why is this man watching her like you're with a girl at carnival and someone else tries to wind up on her nah bruv don't do that don't do that bro I'm not a dickhead bro don't do that it's all coming out someone's dying I agree with Craig in terms of the second part of the question definitely from the man's point of view there needs to be a level of control but I do believe because women I think women and men obviously their egos are different their egos are very different the way they manage the way that it comes out the way they manage it is very different so I think when a man has an ego that he has in a relationship he needs to be responsible of that and have control of that but I think the woman still needs to have the level of understanding that how can I help manage his ego without pressing them buttons as Craig was saying don't be sending me them caps don't be talking to me like I'm a little like you understand what I'm saying Aaron what your thoughts in terms of relationships so how do you get affected by it I think it's different I wouldn't put it all the way down to ego I think the ego transpires as a power struggle in relationships and I guess some people might see that as an ego as well but I think it's different I feel like the reason why these problematic things happen is because we have a power struggle we have men that still believe in the whole chauvinistic understanding of you know men should be in control and men should be the one in power but then that's combated with females you understand I actually know we're just as powerful as each other and just as much as you believe that you have strength for primacy I too believe that I have strength from primacy too so the problem we have here to deal with more than ego is just to like we need to understand that in relationships is equal my guy like sometimes yes you're right babes let me succumb to that and let me understand that I was wrong and let's move on yes yes Aaron you were right I understand that let me succumb and let's move on you know I mean like I feel like a lot of the issue that happens is because of the power struggle we both think we're right we both think we're in control we both think that we're the boss that's redundant the best way to achieve a relationship with fluency is just to understand that we are in this together as equals but even that question is problematic because that question then straight away posits the understanding that men have an ego that women need to understand or that men have an ego of understanding that we need to be in control that to me posits gender roles would there have been a Barack Obama if it wasn't for a Michelle Obama Michelle Obama is a deeply intelligent powerful strong female would he have taken the steps he'd taken made the decision that he did without her it's questionable so I think to ask a question in that way is problematic because it straight away creates the gender role that we as the man is firstly in control and you've got to listen and also that we as the man only has the ego and actually women can have ego as well just as strong do you know what I mean so for me it's all about equilibrium equilateral every equal word that exists it needs to be used you understand because it needs to be equal that's the only way we're going to achieve a positive relationship and I don't really believe in that see me as a man I've got no problem I'm a man that I will say babies if you want go out with your people then go out with your people then I would stay with the kids or whatever you see me I've got no problem with saying babes look I can cook let me cook or something you sit down relax and chill out babes things need to be tidied up boom let me tidy up the things then and you can chill out and then also I would expect the same back as well because why this is equal equality you understand nice and finally you say that because that follows on to the next question when you said women some women can also have a big ego but why don't so the question essentially is why don't we associate ego as much with women for one and where does it even stem from the fact that it's just a male egotistical thing is from a majority from a male perspective where does that even stem from how do we get to that point I could say that I believe that a lot of people see ego as kind of like aggression aggression being cocky again aggression and cocky you don't really see much from you don't really associate that with women straight away as soon as somebody has aggression or cocky you probably imagine a man even men imagine a man and women imagine a man for those two traits so actually there's a little there's a level of misunderstanding of what ego even is in the first place as to the reason why we associate more with men than we do with women but when again when I even took a bit of time to look inside myself I realized actually we're not very different from each other what is the funniest part that I thought about ego for myself was when I believe that positivity was everything that's ego I believe my opinion has actually become a fact but then if someone says oh yeah you always think it's supposed to be positive someone on the outside will be like but that sounds like a good thing right that's not ego I said no that's your ego you put place in your opinion as a fact and acting on it and almost over inflating it is actually a problem in a sense so yeah so that so for me when I realized actually even me being too good like you know when it's like you're almost like you're aggressively a positive forget how sad you are just lift yourself up and let's go no no but I'm crying now forget your crying shut up stop crying let's go let's go we got we I'll give you something to cry about you see I understand exactly is that you got too many good things I'll give you something to cry about if that's the case so it's like yeah that that is actually ego but I think it definitely stems from as you said aggression and again what we're kind of bringing it back as well we're talking about the expectation that men have their entitlement their their pride their insecurity and I think it stems from whether it's like I don't know cavemen days we was the alpha male we was the one that had to be in control we couldn't show any weakness we had to be the strength and that's where our power came from we when we was looking out into the world and we saw another male we had to show them that we was more dominant and again that's where that aggression comes from so I think that still applies very much the men are still on that exactly when they're out in the world and you see a man on road everyone wants to be the alpha male they're the boss they're the dominant one everyone has to be the alpha male because we're the warriors we've been fighting for so long in our lives as the dominant people as the men as the ones that have to be the ones that go out there and get the food have to be the hunters so that's how I think it's just instilled in us to be like that and I think we're now slowly trying to get to a stage as you said where we're looking at it more from a perspective of we can it's not weakness but we can be vulnerable we can show those same emotions that women show we can be nurturing we can be loving why can't we be like that because when we do that some people will think that that's a weakness and they'll start looking at us and thinking oh well he's a pussy then yeah he ain't a boss he's a pussy like why is he crying for bro you're a pussy don't cry bro I'll slap you up like it's just stupid it's just stupid and I think that's where it definitely it definitely stems from and I think that we need to find a way in ourselves to get a level of understanding is we don't need to be the hard man that day in day out we can't be like that bro because how hard is it to live your life thinking that you're the boss you're the alpha male you're the one that can't be touched because when your ego does get touched that's when you truly get hurt and that's what we're talking about when your ego's too high and it gets elevated and you get touched that's when you're pressing that button the aggression comes out and I think that that's where it stems from and I think we need to find a way I don't have the answer I'm just saying but we need to find a way to find a solution to that because that's where I think a lot of the aggression and the problems come from especially with black males on the street no one wants to back down and as Craig was saying it's like just look if you're securing yourself and you know what's going on if someone tries to step to you be like bro I'm out let's walk away trying to say what I'm saying obviously certain circumstances it gets mad but there you go that's it just like alright whatever exactly so it's just like we need to find a way to make it positive right exactly exactly so yeah man Aaron so what are your thoughts on that last question what are your thoughts on it I think the reason it's as problematic as it is is because I think it's like sociological constructs that have now become aged or dated in regards to the way that ego has almost been completely wrapped up with misogyny with machismo with chauvinism all of these understandings that we have about the word ego in regards to men and relationships it's more to do with the whole you know as you said the alpha male but to be honest that is a sociological construct that really hasn't got as much validity nowadays because you know we have female leaders we have a phenomenon of stay at home dads something that would have been completely disgusted by people maybe in the 60s you know what I mean but these are real concepts that are happening now because we are not there yet but we are moving towards a more level playing field I've met some alpha females in my time my guy to the point where and it might not even be physical it might just be the level of alpha brain that they have like their brain is so powerful their intelligence is so immense that I felt like you know I kind of got to raise my level even just to keep in a conversation with you you understand but we don't speak about that enough it's like it's almost like a lot of men are trying to hold onto the facts of you know men are alpha women are beta it's not that no more we're both alpha or sometimes a man can be beta you know I mean a woman is alpha do you know what I mean and I feel like the reason why we don't see as much in women is because we're still trying to hold onto those to those gender types those stereotypes but I feel like we're moving toward the time we're exchanging I'll be honest yeah man wicked ah beautiful man listen so what we're going to do now we're going to wrap it up with a food for thought so something that either we've taken away from the conversation or at least something that we can give to our listeners a very short sound bite of something that we've obviously pulled from the conversation and then we'll wrap it up there man so Craig if you want to go first we'll get your food for thought and then we'll take it from there I think maybe during this conversation people were wondering like how do we change this narrative how do we change the ego how do we I don't know take control etc and I guess my one thing is spend more time with yourself the lack of self understanding is what is causing a lot of this misunderstanding of ourselves and other people and I'll guarantee you when you understand yourself more you will have less judgement and expectations of everybody around you you would accept your journey accept who you are and you'd be like okay I see everyone is just on a journey and they're going to take their time when they need it I don't need to start overcompensating I just need to be cool with myself and then walk my journey everything will be just fine it's alright Aaron do you want to go next?

From this conversation what I've got is something that I previously had in my understanding which is conversations with people especially when they have different perspectives to you can be so enriching like I feel like I've heard different perspectives to mine today but I've found truth understanding and knowledge from all of them so conversations like this are so important we can have different opinions but we can still learn from each other sick, sick, sick, nice for me I think my main takeaway would be that understanding that ego is for me it's an emotion and you can be used as a tool whether it's for bad or for good and I think the most important thing is to have a level of control over your ego because ego can be misguided I like the way Craig said the lack of self understanding needs to misunderstand that one day it's my wedding I felt like throwing my pen around take notes, take notes wicked, wicked, wicked that one day was wicked thank you so much guys for listening to this thank you so much for sending in your questions this forum obviously isn't just about us talking to you, we want you guys to get involved to ask more questions, continue the conversation and open up to us about your views and your experiences if you've enjoyed the podcast please like share and remember to follow us to stay up to date with all of our new content and events so guys thank you for listening, Aaron thank you so much for your time, Craig again thank you for your time and we'll see you guys soon