Ep22 | Am I Creating A Toxic Relationship? (Ft Adrian & LJ)

If I was dating, let's say, a girl called Sarah and she turns up and she asks me what time you're getting back Poik! Automatically, I'll be like, is this girl done?

However, when it goes into intention, so when I personally found that I found the one, I started practicing good habits This is Talking To My Thoughts Welcome to Talking To My Thoughts, the podcast where we have open, honest and raw conversations about the things that are playing on our minds My name is Craig aka Mr Positive, a cheesy motivator with a solution background, big dreams and a passion for helping others find and maintain their peace Yeah, and I'm Simon aka SJ, you can tell my voice is a little bit off today, I apologize in advance, I'm just getting over the flu It's not COVID, don't watch that, it's not COVID, it's getting over a little bit of the cold But yeah, I'm a father of two and an all-around creative entrepreneur And we are also joined by two guests, firstly, LJ Hey, what's up guys, I go by the name of LJ, some people know me as DJ Culprit Assassin or just Culprit I've done a couple of things in the scene in terms of music, so I've worked with artists and I've had a band section Also work in a creative environment, I'm one of the people that deals with youth development, so it's creative careers and advice I have a son as well and I'm a solution, so yeah, another solution to the scene My name is Daniel aka Daniel Adrian, my friend aka Adrian Maff Yeah, literally, I'm known as probably a producer, musician, songwriter, performer as well, I love music, it's my passion I'm also a father, I'm a father of two, two beautiful daughters Yeah man, that's me basically in one We've got a lot of creatives in the building, so welcome, welcome, welcome In this podcast, we bring a unique perspective on our inner thoughts by literally pre-recording the things on our mind before talking about them with the group We do this because we believe before you can be open with others, you first have to be open with yourself So please do stay updated by following our socials and talking to my thoughts and if you enjoy this episode, you know what to do already So today's topic is am I creating a toxic relationship?

So the first thing that we like to kick off with is what are the first thoughts that come to your head when I say that topic? Am I creating a toxic relationship?

The first thing that comes to my mind is negativity, just a whole bunch of negative thoughts, feelings, emotions, bickering, shouting, arguments, anger It's just a big, big whole negative emotion really, the whole thing is just negative really And unfortunately a lot of people go through these relationships in this day and age and sometimes they don't realise that they're involved, I would say That's a big one Two things you know, like you said I definitely agree with all the negative stuff For me it was more or less like when you think you've found the one but you're just skipping barriers, you're not going through the motions You're not taking time to really process things so you're just missing red flags and you know that at the later stages end up developing into being like toxic relationships And then the next thing would be sex, like a lot of people don't even really talk about it Funny enough I heard someone speak on the bus and she was saying how she's not getting him anything but she's going to give him sex for his birthday And I was just like...

I think they were in a relationship for maybe like four months, this is a young couple by the way, this is like 18, 19 And just listening to how she was talking about her relationship I was just like you know this sounds hella toxic like they've already had a couple of arguments and she's not really going through the motions So I think those two things really for me was like highlighted when I was thinking about toxic relationships For me bad vibes and it kind of goes against what I believe in as to what my life is supposed to be about really So I think of it quite deep when I think about toxic relationships and instantly if I believe I'm in a toxic relationship or creating one Then I'm instantly like this needs to end or I need to go basically because I don't believe that I'm supposed to spend my time, my days, my months or years doing or being a part of something toxic So man I think toxic is a very powerful word man, you've got to be sure that you're in a toxic relationship because using that word for me is very destructive Like sometimes it's very common for you to be in a relationship where you have arguments but kind of throwing out the statement of you're in a toxic relationship You've got to first of all understand what the definition of that is so how I kind of relate or understand what a toxic relationship is is something which is abusive to be fair Emotionally abusive, it can even be physically abusive, that's how I see something which is severely draining like as I said you will never see someone who's in a relationship that doesn't have an argument It just happens, it's the way people are.

But yeah I think people just need to understand what they are actually in and define it clearly rather than just saying we had an argument last week I must be in a toxic relationship Hopefully with this discussion we can get different views and open up that understanding a little bit more so then hopefully at least when our listeners hear this They've got a little bit more of an awareness and an acknowledgement of actually what kind of relationship they're in as well so yeah man we'll see how it goes Alright man we won't waste no time, as you already know we love to play recordings from our actual thoughts and I've actually got a recording to start off with I'm probably going to have a different perspective to a lot of people so please do listen closely and the reason why we do this is because the way we speak to ourselves is very different to how we speak to others So we find it very key to spend time speaking to ourselves and then play it out to broadcast and listen to it so take a close listen and let's see how we feel Am I creating a toxic relationship?

That's such a peak question In my current relationship no, but I have created or contributed to creating a toxic relationship in my past I would say I guess two words come to mind is intentions and ego So when you have or when I have had a lack of intentions like long term intentions then you're easily wavered and you can just kind of get on with your own life and not really maybe be too bothered about your partner sometimes When I say intention it's like knowing that you want to be with this person for the rest of your life or knowing you want to be married and have kids It's usually like hey we like each other, we get on, we like spending time with each other, let's make it a relationship rather than it being hey I really want to spend the rest of my life with you That would be more of an intentional decision Ego is where, what's the best way to explain ego?

Ego is not necessarily to do with aggression or to do with anger but ego is simply the case of you believing that you know it all or that your opinion is like a fact When you're treating your opinion as a fact and it doesn't have like any solid, just anything solid behind it that is basically your ego Yes we have a lot of knowledge about things as we grow older etc but the simple thing I had to tell myself is Craig you don't know everything And when I was younger I guess you kind of acted like you knew everything or you knew what was the best way, whichever one it is So yeah definitely ego got in the way and that created arguments and then your ego and your ego could just get in the way of just doing the right thing or saying the right thing or apologizing or whatever it is Yeah so I'd definitely say that those are the two key words for me as to how I've contributed to a toxic relationship Now my main aim is to control my ego which doesn't just change my like romantic relationships but also my friendships and my relationships with my family as well and even associates And then intention is strong because then it means that now I make sure that every one of my actions and my time is used towards something that has to contribute to long term intention I'm not just doing it because it's there, I'm doing it with proper intention so yeah that's definitely my partner But I'm getting better, I guess we're humans so we always have to learn Okay that's interesting yeah I see what you're saying about the take that you had on that topic because it seems like you focus more on obviously ego and what your intention is in terms of a relationship Do you think that those things correlate to being in a toxic relationship then?

So if you don't have an intention or you've got too much ego that's what you think is a result of creating a toxic relationship?

Yeah so for me let's break down one or the other, let's do ego Ego gets you in a lot of arguments like you start arguments because you're backing something that you really believe in and you think this is the only way it can be Especially when it's like a logical person versus an emotional person so I'm very logical so I'm like this is just black and white kind of thing and then they're emotional and they don't know how to explain themselves and I'm a great speaker but they're not a great speaker I'm cool we're going to win a lot of arguments against them and they're just going to cry about it and then back in the day that's how you speak up the things That's basically how it was, a lot of relationships or stuff that goes on they'll cry about it and it looks like they're not good at arguments so then I win and then it's like then I think I'm right because I won That doesn't work, people are not just one way, people are both logical and emotional, we are actually, logic is driven still from emotion in the same place, it's just a different place and we just don't show it the same way So I really thought that when arguments happened or discussions or happened or disagreements just because they couldn't explain the way they're feeling and I could then that made me seem like I was right and I wasn't So I really contributed to that and it kind of shaped them as well because you forget if you're a dominant character it starts to shape that person and then they start to kind of doubt themselves, they doubt their feelings etc Intention, intention is a very interesting one because you will go as far as your intentions are so let's say you only said that you were going to get with them because it's just cool for you to hang out with them You like each other and sex is good for example, when it's not cool for you to hang with them anymore and when it's not great for you to, the sex is okay but it's not enough to unbalance it and when they're not really the person that you want to be around anymore Now you're in it now, if your intention only went as far as there, that's it exactly, it's hot water, it's a problem now because now when things go wrong you're probably going to bail out, you're like well okay it's not what I wanted before However, you don't know for yourself, a life partner is a very different intention, a very different ball game because as naturally as you said Simon, we're supposed to go through arguments because you're passionate with each other and arguments and passion isn't just a good feeling Actually it's a harsh feeling, a bad feeling as well, there's both sides to it, so for me with my previous partners, my intention lacked, as I said it was always just cool for us to get in a relationship because that's what people naturally do when you like each other But when things get really hot and then my life starts to feel like it's more being taken away from rather than being contributed to, I'm like well I don't have to be here, I can make myself happy, I can do my own things But then when you have an intention for long term, those things you won't waver so easily, it's like being easily wavered kind of thing, it's like putting your hand up and then it gets really tight and you're like I don't want to do that anymore But if you're holding on to something at the top that's really strong, you won't let go in that sense, so that's for me the intention is how far your effort is going to go as well, that's my take on it I think what you said intention, I see a lot of young brothers just getting into relationships and culturally they don't match up, they're just there for the short term aspects of it And then there's a lot of damaged women because of brothers just only thinking about the now rather than the later And you see when it starts getting to the point where a lot of the now situations fade out and you're looking further out, it gets to a point where you're hearing these mad stories about how guys are reacting or how they're not turning up Or they're just mentally just not there and just being hella disrespectful and just being out of character I know some of my brothers, when I look back I was like wow did you really do that and it's just because their intentions just wasn't there, so I think that's a big one Because the ego, them too, when the intention is not there and then you start flaring up your chest and your nostrils, it gets a bit mad As well as that, I feel like there's also other things that could play a part within the relationship to make it a toxic relationship Also maybe something's happened within the relationship, for example someone's been unfaithful and you know what, they've decided I really want to do this, I really want to try this and give this a go kind of thing But then resentment could kick in because the anger's there from the cheating partner or whatever And then once that resentment kicks in, the arguments kick in, once the arguments kick in then the whole thing just becomes a toxic situation So also yeah it's definitely ego, I reckon that is ego as well because a guy could think you know what, yeah I'm the big boss, I'm this and that, I can get any go I want kind of thing And at the end of the day, and if you're in a relationship with someone and you're thinking in that state of mind, then that's just only setting it up for disaster It's not just cheating or just the egos, it's something that if we don't know what real love is, we can be practicing bad love, thinking that it is love and then that's where That's actually an interesting part, you're not knowing what the right love is or what the right way is to love somebody, yeah that's interesting What is the definition of a toxic relationship then, is it a case of someone that is being unfaithful, where's the line, where's the line where it goes from just being in a relationship where there's arguments and whatever to be in Now it's a toxic relationship, where's that line, is it you have to be unfaithful, is it that you have to physically hurt someone I personally think with that situation, fair enough people have arguments, people they don't get on they disagree or whatever But I feel like for it to be a toxic relationship there has to be some sort of conversation to happen about the situation And then once the conversation has happened there's literally been no result of the conversation, do you get what I mean That's an interesting one, what is the threshold of being toxic or what makes a toxic relationship I think to me a toxic relationship becomes when the partners are intentionally trying to get at each other So when they've gone past trying to tolerate each other anymore and now they're just intentionally like I'm about to mess you over Or when you know your intention was for you to like if you're in a relationship it's supposed to be you're loyal, you're this, you're that When you're going against your own word on purpose, because there's different types, there's one where you're kind of ignorant to it like as Eldrie mentioned you don't know how to really love somebody But then there's a point where you said that you're going to be loyal and you're like intentionally you're going to like just mess you over and I don't care That's when it gets toxic because now you're putting the person actually going out their way to bring the person down in some way or just to do what they want That's interesting you know, you know why I say that's interesting because I think there's a flip side to that I think you can be in a toxic relationship where someone doesn't have the intention but they've grown the habit So they've actually grown the habit from potentially a previous relationship where their habit is to be quite dominant and then they get into another relationship They get into another relationship and they treat it the same way and they're like okay well I'm the dominant person in this relationship So you must do what I tell you to do sort of thing.

So it's not like an intention to say I'm going to go out and hurt you But they have their own understanding of what position they have in the relationship and the other person maybe doesn't want to submit to that or they submit to it because they have to I think that's also a toxic relationship because now you're putting somebody in a position that they don't necessarily feel comfortable in and I don't think that's right So I think there's a flip side to that as well Okay, I get what you're saying I get that.

I think the word severe has to be key.

So when you start having severe depression, severe anxiety, you move completely left from your character You start moving away from your family, friends, people that's your proper day one When you start going on that kind of road, that's when I start thinking this is a toxic relationship because really and truly your partner is meant to be better than you And if you're not, if you're just looking over that course of however you're in that relationship and you just start seeing all the negatives and the negatives are outgrowing the positives Then my friend start looking and start asking yourself real questions because when you are in that type of situation and you're proper depressed You have no one to talk to and the arguments are not even just like shouting it's proper rage you're going red You need to sit down because you can't even breathe no more because you're that mad you need to walk like 10 miles to calm yourself down You start questioning yourself what is this all about?

That's mental abuse bro, I think that's mental abuse Because obviously we talked about the aggressor so it was always the aggressor first but there's the victim side So the aggressor side would be like when you're basically intentionally going out your way to do something to harm a person or emotionally or physically But then the victim side would be like when you're losing yourself that is when you can class it as being toxic And then again there's this threshold of how much of yourself will you sacrifice before you realize that this is too much And by the time that you realize it wouldn't be too late as well which is why there's no perfect threshold for everybody Some people really do flip side their life and it's a good thing and some people flip side their life and they realize 10 years down the line that they were never the same after they got with this person Yeah, that's a bad one That's deep Alright, let's not go, we want to go too far into all of the discussion, let's pick up your voice recording and we'll kick off from there Now I had to think really far back to when last I was in a toxic relationship and when I really got into it I was just like, rah If I had asked myself in the time I was in a relationship was I in a toxic relationship I would have said no But now like years later I realized it really was due to the fact that you know it really got heavy like it wasn't enjoyable Everyday we're arguing, there's a lot of things that I did out of character, said things out of character and that's like a big red flag When you know this is not you through and through and you're letting things slide, you're not really placing your boundaries properly, your priorities just change It gets a little bit of a peak out here and for me one of the things that I realized as a young man or a young teen, sex has a lot to do with it for me I think a lot of guys can probably relate like, can I say I got pussy whipped?

I'm not too sure But I just knew that after a while I didn't even want to be in this relationship but I'm sticking through because god damn it was, hey, it was turned, it was lit And because it was lit I just felt like this needed to be the final picture When really and truly when I stopped thinking about that aspect and I was really more trying to mold this person into my picture When I knew the rest of it didn't, it didn't fit into my end goal and that's when you know my toxic ways will kick in Trying to change that person, being like hey you need to do this, you need to do that and overall because you're thinking you're trying to make someone better What tends to happen is that you start saying a lot of negative stuff, you're not good at this, you're not good at that, you need to change this to be better And it can be really tough for the other person so that's when I started thinking right, you need to let go of the ever bless And find what's good for you, make sure that you're not being that toxic person or creating that toxic environment Because sometimes we will know that we're not good for that person but still be there just because we don't want the next person to have that person and that by itself is hella toxic It's interesting because as you was kind of talking about the relationship, there seemed to be a difference of where the responsibility lied or who was responsible for the toxicity So whether it was from you and how you was trying to mould the person into being who you wanted them to be so therefore you're giving off that kind of toxic vibe because everything you're saying is negative because they're not meeting what your expectations are And then there was a level of obviously resistance against that so is that toxicity being reflected back to you because you feel that they're not giving you what you want so they're going to take it as a negative thing and they're going to be negative to you so then they're being toxic to you as well I never really thought about that because I mean when we're talking about this topic it's almost like there's an ownership on one person like I'm in a toxic relationship, I'm the one that's toxic or I'm in a toxic relationship, they're the one that's toxic I don't know if we've really thought about it as maybe we're both toxic, maybe it's both of us I think it's an element of both as well, I can't say one person can be toxic by themselves, it's like one person having an argument by themselves kind of thing It's not going to run if you're on your own arguing in front of a mirror, how long are you going to stand there arguing for to be fair When we're thinking about toxic relationships sometimes that ownership is often on the guys, we don't really obviously as a guy you may think otherwise but a lot of the time the stigma is on the guy, the guy is the one that's the toxic one I'll continue because a lot of women say this guy is very immature, he was just hella toxic and that's the statement right there but you know that person has big characteristics and you know that this person doesn't really practice all the good moral ways and handle things in the correct way but it's just all men are trash, all guys are immature and that's the conversation And for me, when I look at social media in particular, I'm just like there are good men out here, can we praise them a little?

Because this whole toxic thing never seems to stem from the woman or when it is, it's a little bit of a surprise, everyone's just got their eye open I feel like the balance ain't always there and it's just always men, men, men, men are trash, men are hella toxic, this guy is a perv I feel like social media has a big big part to play in that kind of thing as well because I ain't gonna lie, girls do, some guys might even see it as well, I don't want to generalise people like that But you see a relationship on social media, to be fair, no one's posting their dark moments, their bad moments in their relationship, their toxic times in their relationship Talking about social media, I find that guys don't talk about their emotions when it comes to what they're going through, so let's just say the female is very toxic, they're just quiet, you'll see your brother, you won't even notice Do you know what I mean?

But then on the flip side, a female could be in toxic relationships and she can just go on a rant, she can post bear quotes and you know there's fire in that Bear in directs Bear in directs, it's coming left, right and centre, but that's a little bit of a funny one, I don't know why we do that You know what that's called? What's that? Toxic masculinity bruv Really?

Toxic masculinity, you have to be a hard man all the time, if you start showing your emotions you look soft bruv, people start flinging that on you to be like why are you crying for, why are you complaining, you're a big man Have you seen that video of Tyrese when he was crying about his daughter or something?

Oh yeah Remember that video bruv, he got stick for that you know, a lot of the women were on him like yeah yeah I'm so glad a man showed, all the men were like what's he doing bruv, what's wrong with him? I think he had a big blow out of a couple of people bruv, so you see what I'm saying? But it's like why can't you show that, why can't you be showed that side?

Because everyone has that side, no one's hard all the time, everybody has that side, so why is it such a problem to show it?

Society is the one that crafted us into that kind of person and stuff like that, which is why I guess plug and talk it to my thoughts because that's what we're changing in this case, for us to be able to talk about these things Actually I want to go back to your voice recording because a piece that we probably missed out is the word expectation, that's what destroys everybody's relationship, expectation will destroy your life if anything Again for the people that go through depression, anxiety, there's a saying I always say is that we suffer more in our imagination than we do in our reality because we live by expectations The expectation that this is supposed to be this way, I'm supposed to be this person, I'm supposed to be this place in my life, I'm supposed to have that He said the same thing, he said he tried to shape his partner to be something that he thought was the right thing and I did the same thing, that's how the ego got involved Because as I said, when you start taking your opinion as a fact, then you're starting to mess up and that's your ego in play But when you start to say that this person, maybe they shouldn't be crying all the time, maybe they shouldn't be so fussed about this or shouldn't be spending so much time with their girls or doing certain things This is where your ego is at play because how do you know that their girls wasn't the one that saved them from really tough times, how do you know that they weren't the ones that gave them good advice How do we know that their crying isn't the difference between them being dead or not dead since there's a higher suicide rate with men versus women These are all things that men don't think about and especially women don't think about as well on the other side Let's take the women's side of it, where men maybe, obviously there's the typical society ones where they say that women are always looking for money and a man should probably be earning more than her and he shouldn't be a bum and all these kind of things If a woman is maybe just in retail versus a man is maybe working in the bank, it's a completely different case But if a man is working in retail but a woman's working in the bank, would you think that's a relationship that's going to happen?

Potentially not So these are a lot of things that people are living by expectation and the expectation is really what destroys your relationship When in reality, like for me, how I was able to switch around my relationships, the first relationship I had expectation, my third relationship I went through half way of it, having expectation, then the next half I realised, you know what, you don't know everything So just let it go, let them be who they want to be and if they become somebody that you align with, you will stay with them And then my last relationship, I just tried to make sure that they're as free as possible And if you can have two, three people that are able to be who they want to be and you want to spend time together as well, now you have a relationship without this level of expectation and without this level of ego at play So when they do something different, all you need to know is that you're able to grow with this person and they're able to grow with you because we're always changing every single day Today we believe one thing, next year we believe something else, but if they're the person that will stick with you and they're not going to hold you to this expectation or this image they have in their head Once you've got love each other, that's how I've personally been able to go through my relationships, take away their ego, release their expectations as well But people are like, oh so you don't have no expectations, you don't have no cap, no, you're supposed to have core beliefs about what you believe in, who you believe is supposed to align with you And you're not supposed to be sacrificing yourself, so I don't call, when people say oh when you get a relationship you start sacrificing parts of yourself, I don't call it sacrifice or compromise, I call it growth Because in reality I'm not supposed to be sacrificing something for people because I wasn't put on this earth for that person, I'm supposed to be growing Like I would say, oh you know what, I don't really go out with the boys no more because my girl says I can't do that or she doesn't like that Or I would say, you know what, I don't go out with the boys no more because you know what, it's better for me to be at home than for me to be among temptation Completely different wordage and the way that the man says it also changes the way that he will see his relationship and how people also treat him as well Because then they start to think that she's the one that changed him when in reality he will believe that he's the one who trains himself for the better So this is a lot of like, that's how I've been able to kind of change my relationship and this doesn't just leak into my relationships, this has gone into my friendships The way I treat acquaintances, the way I treat family, the same level of thing and then life just gets a lot easier There's just less people letting you down and more of you just being able to adapt to whatever's going on Yeah, because that goes back to what I said after we heard LJ's waste note is about ownership and understanding who has that responsibility for the toxicity in the relationship If it's you, you've got to change how you think about it and what you can control, whether it's within yourself Because if it's you, if you're the one that's being toxic, you have the ability to change it But you have to acknowledge it in the first place and understand where it's coming from So I think that's important, but I'm going to say one thing, yeah We're not one to like, kind of critique too much and tell people what they should be doing, but I'm going to be very honest with this, yeah I want everyone to hear this Be very, very, very mindful of social media and how you perceive what you see on there Our kind of interaction with the world nowadays generally comes through social media And what we see on social media is very tunnel vision, it's very specific So what I'm going to say to our listeners as well is just be very, very, very mindful of what you're absorbing Don't just take everything as face value because people, as we've talked about as well, social media, there's an intention behind it There's an agenda behind it, people post things because of what they want to show you and what the message they want you to receive Then you're not seeing the rest of what's going on behind the scenes So I think we just need to be very clear about that because every time we're talking about this, it's like, yeah I think nowadays because of social media this and yeah, because of social media that That's just a click for me, that's just something that's just resonated with me It's like, right, every time we seem to have these issues, it's like because people are so hooked into social media, they're absorbing it in the wrong way Literally, they just see a snapshot Yes, I think that's something we need to make very clear to people Just be very mindful of what you're absorbing on social media I'm not saying you don't go on it, I'm not saying that at all, but just be very mindful and that's it Take care of a pinch of salt, man Yeah, that's true The social media part is a big aspect I guess even for me, I couldn't say that I learned some really great things from social media while I was going through a transition of trying to change the way I see relationships That was exactly a time I had to literally take on my step away from social media because there's so much influence on there As to what you think is a good relationship, what's a good friendship, what are the keys People say, oh, what are you looking for in a relationship?

And people are saying, yeah, they've got a whole list, they've got about 20 items on there I'm like, wow, damn, man, what do you think you're supposed to bring to a relationship? I'll just bring me I'll just bring me You know what?

Cool All right, that's cool So yeah, that's a really key part I think, again, for listeners, is that when you're trying to transform yourself or you're trying to figure out why your previous relationships haven't worked well or where you're supposed to head with your life, do not look at social media for the answers Try to find ways that you could look within yourself I'm telling you that we have everything inside of ourselves to know what you're supposed to do next And I always call social media like the, who's watched?

This is really random Who's watched Monsters, Inc? That's a long time, bro You know at the end when they had all those doors to choose and they didn't know which door to choose at the end, right? Yeah So they had loads of different choices I believe that when we were younger, when it wasn't social media, God basically leaves open doors for us, right?

Doors that we're supposed to take, ones that are for us and our opportunities The social media is a lot like the Monsters, Inc It shows you all these open doors for other people and we always think that we can walk through them when they're not for us The way that your social media or life is supposed to be shaped The type of partner you'll be with, the location you'll be at, the job that you're going to do, the way you make your money, the way you'll be successful All these open doors, we watch all of these people's open doors So when you're trying to figure out which door is yours, how do you know?

You don't, do you? That's a very good question So what do you do if you have too many choices? That was inspirational We had some gems in this one So for that, I just say when you're finding your partner, people think, I've got to stay on social media so I can stay connected with people, right?

Trust me, whatever's for you will come to you And whatever isn't for you will always probably be a hard lesson So yeah, that's my best part to that So guys, we're at the part of the podcast where we are taking questions from the audience and we will answer them ourselves We haven't seen them yet so it's going to be a surprise, so get ready Okay, so first one is, are you currently in a toxic relationship and how do you identify toxic traits?

It was quiet I'm answer, I'm answer Are you better?

I'm not currently in a toxic relationship and how do I identify toxic traits when I'm not being myself anymore That's the best way for me to say it I would say no, but I think there is a level of, again when we're looking at the threshold of things I think there's definitely moments where there's been levels of toxicity within the relationship I don't mean anything severe or anything extreme, but when we're looking at it from an unconscious way of not being intentional with how you treat the other person Whether it's when we go back to expectations, I expect you to do this, I expect you to do that, I want you to do this That's the level of toxicity So I definitely think I've had that level within my relationship How do I identify that?

I guess it's how you respond to it, how you feel when it happens Again, when we're talking about our emotions and how we control it and when we feel a level of change within ourselves Once you feel, well at this present time I'm not happy with how things are going That's an identification of clearly something is bringing you down I think that's how you identify it when those things start happening and you just don't feel yourself I think that's how you identify it I would definitely say no, I'm not in a toxic relationship But I will agree with Craig, when I know that I'm not being myself through and through That's when I just have to really reflect and just look at it from a bigger scale and just ask some future questions Is this going to be it for me?

Is this going to be our everyday pattern? Are we resolving things healthily? Are you carrying resentment?

Because sometimes it gets a little bit clouded For me, I don't think I'm currently in a toxic relationship I know that previously I have been, I know that for a fact And I think the science is like, early science, well for me anyway, is control issues I feel like little things like going through your partner's phone when you're sleeping Little things like that could bring up some real, real toxic habits And eventually could lead to the destruction of the relationship And if the relationship continues then it just adds a lot more toxicity to your life And it just brings everything down around you kind of thing And the reason why I say control issues is because we're entitled to have control of ourselves Entitled to make our own decisions And who am I to say that a person should do exactly what I say to make me happy?

It's not fair on them to do that Do you get what I'm saying?

They have their own life to live, they have their own things to reflect on So yeah, that's my personal opinion to be honest Touching on that Jealousy, some people don't see jealousy as a big toxic, hey red flag Going through your phone and being obsessive Checking every move, making sure they come back at the same time And make sure they behave in a particular way or saying certain things Well this is definitely, some people might call it love And it's a very dangerous game to be playing with when you're super jealous And you're very, very, very involved Again, back to that key word that you said Simon, severe When you know it's starting to be severe and if you had to stop and tell your friend what you're doing Are you looking crazy?

And that's that reflection part that you really have to start kicking in Because yeah, when you're in that game Again, like I said, it gets crowded really quickly And you don't even know when you're doing these certain traits But going through the phone, I know it's definitely a popular one I've done it myself And I know I've actually never done that Yeah, I've never done that I've had it done to me as well Fam, you didn't use the face lock bro You didn't use the face lock Nah, but it's a matter of when they want the face ID as well It's a whole different level That's interesting actually That's an interesting topic Like if they said, can I have my face ID in there as well What would your argument as to why not to and why they should So why they should is probably so I don't even know what excuse they can use In case my phone doesn't work Nah, that's a guilty I don't know, man I think that they shouldn't have access to your phone like that Obviously your phone is your personal phone It's got personal messages on it Even though you're in a relationship, you're still entitled to some sort of privacy Do you understand?

And if you don't have that privacy, maybe you might feel like I'm talking for me personally If I don't have that personal privacy, I feel like I'm being violent Do you know what I'm saying? Because I'm entitled to have my own phone If they wanted to call you, they'll call your phone Do you get what I mean?

You don't have to go through my phone to see what people are saying to me It's a little more trust as well, isn't it? Yeah, absolutely The thing is, what would the excuse be that doesn't relate to anything to do with jealousy?

Because who spends time, says that in my life, in my days I spend about a couple of hours checking my partner's phone Just to make sure it's all okay Like there's some PA That's interesting as well actually So it's an interesting one I don't know how that would even go down and be like yeah it's cool And the thing is, there's not even like There's not even like a time frame on when toxicity can kick in in a relationship Sometimes it's from the get-go Because people can be jealous from the get-go It's not like to say okay, well everything was happy-go-jolly at first But then suddenly things changed and they became toxic You may not even realise it But they were toxic from the start When they were checking up on you every five seconds Or saying kind of looking at your phone and stuff That's all toxicity You just didn't recognise it And that's why it's good that we had that question Because it's like how do we recognise those traits?

What are those things that we need to kind of red flag to be like This ain't right You showed me going through my phone Why are you going through my phone?

Don't make no sense That's actually such a mad one Because obviously I know a lot of different relationships Who are working different ways Like for I think like, I'm pretty sure my partner knows my password now But again it would only be a thing if Like maybe I'm in the car And then I'm saying change the song Or something so simple Not as like a check-up As ammunition to use it Here's your weekly check-up Let me check out some DMs saying I think that seems toxic It's interesting Because even if I think about it on the flip end Like Obviously in this topic It's about us questioning ourselves as well It's not just about us kind of badgering people And saying we were in a toxic relationship This person was We've got to look at what we're doing And acknowledge what is toxic I'll ask the question Because I don't think it is And again what LJ was saying about the level of severity But I think that when you're in a relationship There has to be a level of communication So it's not like to say Where are you?

What are you doing? But I personally think And this is what I've done in my current relationship as well Is okay If you're going out, just let me know where you're going Or at least let me know what time you're coming back Say if anything happens I know where you are Or if like say for example I've said this Okay What time are you coming back home?

If you're coming home at 10, cool If I come back at 10 and it ends up being 12.30 I'm going to start getting concerned Because you told me you were coming back at 10 So at least there's a level of communication To say okay I'm coming back at 10 If I don't come back by 10 I'll just text you And say look I'm running a little bit late I know I told you I'd be back at 10 So there's a level of communication Rather than me checking up on you Or being concerned because something could have happened I'm just like let me know where you're going Or what time you're going to be back home So that I don't have to be worried about what's going on So let me know if that's good or bad No Okay so this part is where intention comes in Because my first relationships They could come back home or go Back to their home whenever they felt like it Like whatever time Unless it was like it was vehicles time Or it was date time and then they're late Then obviously I'm going to say where you are Because man is probably like a bamboo stick right now But you know The main thing is The part where Like my current relationship One of the key parts was When you start to have an intention for Long term like this is your partner Or let's say it's about to be your family Member is a weird thing to say but that's what they are Going to become if they're going to be your wife for example Or husband Is that How do you treat them versus your parents Let's say I don't know if your mum was Out or whatever or she had to go to work And she was two hours later than she would be You'd be like right man where you been Like I was worried But when it's your partner depending on The level of intention for them Are they just this The bootie court or are they actually somebody That you're going to see as your wife who technically You want to see in the next few years You're going to have a level of care So I find that I didn't find that level of care Until later on Some things obviously when it reaches like in the 6am and they still didn't message I'm like bro what happened But then like for me now maybe I'll be up A little bit later when they say they're going to be home or they're on their way home And I'll stay up kind of thing I used to Just tell me when you're on your way home I look at the phone you're on your way home cool great I don't wait until they get home I just say okay cool Go sleep but now I'll be waiting like Let me just wait a little bit longer Alright you're home cool so it's different I can sense that in myself that I'm different And I think I learnt it when I started to compare it to Maybe my parents or maybe my cousins That I would wait for them to be home at a certain time This is the level of care you have In that sense so that's my part so for what You're saying no I don't disagree Especially that you live with your partner as well I don't live with my partners but let's say like it's like 3am and you just woke up and you're like Let's do it here Now there's two parts of you what's your reaction Inside of you is it is it worry Or is it suspicion No it's definitely not suspicion No no not for you but that's always something for you Everyone to think about is it worry or suspicion If it's suspicion then hey it might be something in you That's true that's true That's a good point as well actually That's a good point is what your reaction is to that My reaction is concern It's where From time you've told me Okay you're going to be home at 10am and it's like 11.30pm It's not like to say oh you just went to the shop You ended up In a conversation for 20 minutes like it's a good Hour and a half after you said you're going to be Home so now I'm like okay I'm not going to lie to you yeah You brought it forward a little bit It was like 10 then you said 12 It depends on where they Went though if it's like If they just went past 10 There's obviously variables to it in it So obviously if they've just gone half an Hour away like it shouldn't Take that long to get back home whereas As opposed to if they went to Manchester for the evening Or something like it's a whole different thing they could have missed the train Based off of my life You shouldn't really be home right That's it like based on my maths if you missed the train You should have got the next train which is at 12 so therefore You should be home by You know what I'm saying and all it takes Is a text to just be like you know what I just missed the train So I'm going to be late that's all it takes Because you know some people just be on their social Media all day And then they just drop one text saying yo And that was me this was me So there'll be times like maybe I'll go to one of my Boys when I first started going to Malaysia I used to go To my boys when I'm sitting with my boys it's like around The corner whatever so they know I'm probably going to Be there for hours maybe coming home at 4 or 5 a.m.

whatever because you're bantering whatever But then I may be left at 8 p.m. then it's 4 a.m.

and they're like are you okay I said But you know I was at my place so welcome I don't Do you feel like getting Agitated when they are so now I don't So this is the key part because I was thinking what if it was my parents that maybe Were home when I said I was going to be home like later on But maybe I would just drop them the quick text yeah I'm a bit later than I was usually Or let's say it was actually your wife that you lived with And you remember they're just home on their own So then there's a level of like and then Also you have to think about this how many times Did you check your phone or show something That was banter how quick is the text That's the key part you know 100% You would go How much saved Instagram things just to find that one thing To laugh about that's my argument boy And then you could have just you could have just scrolled down and said Me okay you know yeah yeah exactly No excuse you know for me This is Gonna bring up Ego It's taken me a while to Get to where you guys are at with This one because If I was dating Let's say a girl called Sarah And she turns up and she Asks me what time you're getting back Automatically I'll be like is this girl dumb Oh my days That's the reaction from most guys My reaction I would be like Bro listen Don't ask me that question I'm gonna be very straight to you I'm not good I don't know I don't know what time I want to come back Home don't ask me that question However when it goes into intention So when I Personally found that I found the one I started practicing Good habits and started Not Trying to practice For when I do cross the line Or saying oh yeah This is marriage And this is how I want it to be But in the beginning The ego That would have been an argument for me 100% I would have just been like Fam You're not mom You're not nan I don't know where you're getting this Confidence I would probably be like Do you know what this relationship Isn't long enough for you to be asking Me this kind of question If you trust me Like if you ask me that question I'm gonna start Thinking does she think I'm doing Something I will start asking different types of questions From that so my ego will definitely Kick in but again now Being older I see why dropping a text is very important He said Intention What would he like to be when he's in the future That's how I work So mine was like actually would I be cool With leaving my wife at home for 6 hours Or 8 hours with no message No quick text Just yo I'm okay That's when I was like And then people are like well no Everyone says it with their chest of course I wouldn't do that When I'm living with my wife I'm not gonna change it Is it gonna be now or is it gonna be later Because later is basically now So yeah that's my problem Awesome Alright one more question How do you leave a toxic Relationship That you're in particularly if you don't Recognise that it's toxic while you're in it How do you leave a toxic Relationship I don't recognise that It's toxic If you don't recognise it's toxic Exactly Imagine if all your friends are telling you That's not right it's toxic It's not meant to be like this But then I wouldn't go and What other people are telling me But if you're not happy Because you can identify that you're in a toxic relationship Because you're not fully happy Yeah they didn't know They don't acknowledge that it's a toxic relationship They're just not fully happy So it's self awareness And then you know what I used to have debates with people I used to give people advice Yeah I feel terrible And they say but I can't leave So there's two options I give you And I always say that human beings make two choices They either grow through pain Or through joy And what do we choose most?

Usually pain So what I said is If you want to change and to grow for the better I advise while you're still Sane, leave Like if you feel that it's not right for you Then you leave, however If you keep saying to yourself you make Excuses after excuses after excuses as to Why you don't want to leave despite your list of Wrongs is way heavier than your rights Then I say Go deeper, give it everything you have And sooner or later it will be Either it will It will break And things will change And you'll grow better possibly Or it will get so bad And so uncomfortable you'll have no choice But to leave So that's the two And this is only if it's something that's more emotional If it's more of an abusive side Me I'm saying we out Like the abusive side to me I think that's not a good thing But actually emotional and abusive It shouldn't be an excuse to it to be honest with you Because actually both of them are just as bad as each other But yeah that's my part Either you leave You make more excuses and you just keep making more excuses You leave while you're still sane And if you're not sane give everything you have And then Something is basically going to have to break The camel's back is going to have to break sooner or later I want to throw a spanner in the works here Because I think we've We've naturally Identified a toxic relationship As being with a partner But can you not have a toxic relationship With a family member and if that's the case How do you leave that Oh that's a great one From a distance Yeah you can love them from afar While I remember this part This is a great part that people don't consider Especially black people If you can't identify There's a relationship that you can't fix Need it be family, friend or even marriage Find a third party Who's professional in it Like a counselor Now people don't want to do this But actually when somebody else from the outside Show you what your relationship is Or what you're doing in it That can really shift things for you Because perspective is everything Why do you think black people don't really go For outside help Because I'm not talking about our business Outside this house We're not talking about our business Outside this house Basically We're trained that way Mad So guys thank you very much For listening to us and thank you The guests for sharing your thoughts And your inner workings as well Once again The platform isn't just about us Talking to you We want you to get involved Ask questions, continue the conversation with us Open up to us about your views And experiences And of course if you enjoy this pod class Please like Share and remember to follow us To stay up to date with all our new Content and events Thank you for listening and I really hope you all have A great evening, morning or afternoon And enjoy yourself