Ep21 | What Is A Black Mans Place In The Home? (Ft Naaman & Ryan)

Yeah, I never really felt I had a position to be the dominant person in the house at all because I was the youngest like I've got all the brother and then my dad's in the house. So the three men in the house I couldn't I couldn't claim nothing. What am I claiming? I'm the youngest. I'm the smallest. I can't do nothing.

I had to make a dominant position by myself if that makes sense So I had to I had to kind of make that journey alone and and kind of find my own place This Welcome to talking to my thoughts the podcast where we have open honest and raw conversations about the things that are playing on our minds My name is Simon aka SJ.

I'm a father of two and I'm an all-round creative entrepreneur Hi, my name is Craig a cheesy motivated with a solution background big dreams and a passion for helping others Find and maintain their peace and take control of their lives I am Neymar father three Dedicated I'm Ryan. I'm 27. I'm a personal trainer from East London David created myself and I'm an awesome fun Side Wicked wicked wicked boy.

Yeah, thank you very much for joining us today, man So in this podcast, we bring a unique perspective on our inner thoughts by literally Pre-recording the things that are on our mind before talking about them with the group Now we do this because we believe before you can be open with others.

You first have to be open with yourself So make sure you guys that are listening Follow us stay updated on all of our socials at talking to my thoughts now today's topic is What is the black man's place in the home?

Now this is a question that was actually thrown to us when we was doing a couple of other episodes And it was just something that one of our listeners reached out to us and said, what do you think about this? And I thought oh, you know what?

Let's just do a podcast episode on this because I think a lot of people can have something to say so For you guys when we obviously proposed this topic was the first thing that was triggered in your minds. I Guess I'm a kickoff. I actually I don't know.

I don't like the whole conversation of what a man should be or a black man should be at that point because this is where a lot of the pressure and responsibility More perceived responsibility comes from as well. So to me you just need to be yourself I'm gonna be completely different to other people but mine is just be yourself.

I Was a bit thrown I just had an image of my granddad and my dad like just talking and it was like That's all I've known just two protective men. So I didn't know anything different So I asked one of the guys at work and it was like He's dad his mom's pretty much the breadwinner and his dad kicks back and relaxes. So when I heard that I Was that everyone's gonna have different? Opinions thoughts and feelings on it.

So I was like I Really want to open my mind to see what other people's backgrounds have been like for them to be that way inclined if that makes sense This is a bit. It's a little bit strange. What for me was more to do with like the role reversal of a father role What is a father to you as a person then it is different to somebody else? I wicked man.

So I guess we'll dive straight into I'm happy to play my pre-record first and then we'll open up the conversation from there Man, you guys ready? Yeah Yeah, let's go so What is? The black man's place In our home. What is their place?

Now if if you know me, you'll know that I'm not one to kind of follow Follow follow trends follow suits follow stereotypes follow the conventions of what you should do and I'm Definitely not one to try and impose that onto other people.

I think that everybody is an individual Try not to to take you on face value or state that this is what you should do because you look like this or Because this is who you are so It's difficult because obviously when you're looking at other cultures other religions other races when it each Individual or each man should I say maybe has a different role in What they're expected to do and what they're expected to be There's a lot of pressure when it comes to what I can say that because obviously I'm a black man There's a lot of pressure in terms of fulfilling those expectations and fulfilling that role I Believe that a black man's role or their place in a home is Is actually to be present Is to be there that's what I believe There is well as a man as a woman as a partner as a father as a as a as you know Someone that is part of a family unit you have a responsibility to keep that structure intact You have a responsibility to play your part to pull your own weight Obviously at times pulled away of other people in the family.

I Think that you have a responsibility to to support I think that's where the extent of my Belief of what you have to do or what you should do as a man In a home That's what that's the extent of what you should do is there more to To that role, of course, and then that's where obviously the debate comes in as to what those things are What are those roles?

not to say that The position is to be a dominant role within that family Because again, there's with with the society and the times that we're living in now The man can still be present in the home, but they don't necessarily Take on that leadership role in particular when you have a family your responsibility is to them your responsibility is to To Keep Keep all of the links strong Yeah, as they say that you're only as strong as your weakest link and it's your responsibility as the man of the home or in a home to To be a strong link within that family unit, but then also to help support everyone else to be strong as well And that's whether it's through.

I Don't know education whether it's few through Financial stability and then bringing in the money whether it's through Taking care of the home with risk through cleaning cooking whatever I'm not I've never been one to kind of judge on what that role should be But I think the foundations of it is to be present and be supportive I know you Simon obviously everybody knows I know Simon And listening to you.

There wasn't a level of like surety. The only thing that you were sure about was being present And And also what you would have said again a lot of people were debating on the pace part of it being well Is this a black man's role or is it just a black person's role or is it even a black or a man? Role at all. Is it just a person now? This is where we feel that we get into Where we were brought up in a certain way?

It feels like yeah You was brought to do certain responsibilities, etc And that's probably what you've learnt Which I'm gonna ask you that question is that if that's what you learnt more than what it felt like you had to do And then we're gonna have this case where if we start to say, okay That's the advice when you have to start giving that advice to other people now You have to think well why where did this come from and then you have to wonder?

Oh, no well, does the advice that I believe in myself apply to other people and That's so for awareness is what will now determine how how we put it What narrative we put out to other people and what responsibilities we lay on other people as well So for me that look really the question for you on that part is Why do you believe those those those are some some of the things that you mentioned are the stuff that you have to do Was it something that you learnt as you was brought up?

Or is it actually something that you believe many should share?

I think it's a bit of both to be honest, obviously you With we've obviously covered like how we're brought up as men as well how we're raised And the things that we take from the exterior world and obviously the first The first connection or the first thing you have as a representation of what a man is is usually your dad Is usually your dad or whatever other?

strong form of thinking you have yeah in your life, so Naturally when you grow up, you're gonna believe that that is what it is to be a man What it is to be a black man in the home what their role is because that's what you that's what you see So partly I believe that because yes, that's what I did have in my home.

My dad was was around He was very much a part of my life and he he had a particular role to play in the house He was like a breadwinner. He earned the most in the family He earned the most in the family He was the financial support. He was the guidance the advisor Like he was very much a strong link within that family unit.

So that's where I obviously naturally take that that belief from but then again from my own experience from me becoming a dad and how I think My role is and what I I need to play within my own home So it's a bit of both because it's obviously what i've learned from Seeing my dad's but then also what i've learned from experience and being a dad as well Would you I would ask that I would put the question across if we were to narrow down the aspect of Because we are talking about black men, not just a father within a household I grew up in like a I grew up in a household where mom and dad were there, you know, um, but one of the catalysts for Me going forward as a black man was spirituality So I grew up in a christian household, right?

Kind of come away from that in a different way in a different level and to me The ideology of being a black man was never paramount It was just to be a man And a man in the bible is the breadwinner the background, you know the adam and eve story you came from a rib So, you know you as a woman, you know you You don't not bow to your man, but you know you You you are no higher than the man in the household when specifically it is only when I was older and I realized the personality of Dealing With scenarios that I had never dealt with before that I really understood of being a black father um In a household, so i've got three kids.

I've got no I've got no constant around three kids three different mothers Right, and I they've all individually got three different personalities um, and I only realized How quickly I needed to mature because for me as a black man Um, i'm my first child was about 21. I needed to mature really quickly So while my friends were going I'd be far and partying and everything like that.

I didn't know how quickly you needed to mature as a black man um because There was no instruction manual to serve and they say hi black man. He is had to be Uh, uh a dad that you're not with the mother. I never had an instruction because I grew up in a married Household so for me it was more to do with society and me going against the society Sigma oh, oh, she's a single parent and daddy's not around.

I made that like really clear to myself that I wanted to be that so for me it was like Would they say test by fire or you know, you were just thrown into the deep end and I was like I never really changed. I'm gonna ask you a question done What kind of conversations did you have with your dad when that situation first started?

I got there's two conversations my mom my mom said My mom said to me I thought based on the stereotype of who you were. I thought you'd have kids at 18 Like that realness like that. I waited well, I never waited but mommy was just not trying to support that My dad he was he was just like that's your business No word of a lie.

It wasn't Honestly because when you like as I don't know if you all grew up in that christian household, but there's like when people are And i'm no, I'm not afraid to say it's my powerful jehovah witness background That's my family and When you do things out of wedlock shun upon like oh my god You were supposed to get married and wait until you have kids and everything like that like kind of like our parents Kind of did so when I didn't have that it was like boy that's your business i'm not here to be Um, you know giving you instructions because really and truly it takes two people to raise a child So when I didn't get that support, I was just like Well, what do I do now?

That's the kind of steer in the way of obviously the specific topic I guess any of you guys can answer this as well and we can obviously jump back to some of the points I made in my voice note, but Where do you? How do you find your place?

Because we're talking about what is the actual place especially of a black man How do you even find that place and that position is it just through representation of what you see like? I know obviously namon you had to kind of figure it out But what's what's kind of like your goal in terms of okay?

This is what I believe my place should be even if you don't have kids That's the same even if you don't have kids just you're still in a home. You still you still got a family structure I mean where was that? I mimic my dad a lot with stuff. So I'm always the first to Put my hand out with Anything that needs to be done within my family.

So that means going to someone's house and helping them Like for instance mow the lawn that made my uncles do that a lot together like we look after Our family really really tightly and we never like the women don't lift a finger it's not in the sense of Paying or anything like that or moving stuff around the house that We do these things to make sure the women and our houses and our families are well looked after and happy it's just the kindness of our own heart like that's That's when people say alpha male.

That's what I see in alpha male is someone that looks after their own like really puts them first and Always always has their back 100% not none of this like I must pay for this and I do this It's like you're just doing out the kindness of your own heart um Interesting topic is I love just listening and this is why we kind of had this where we just get to listen and hear the perspectives um, so really tie it back into the whole black man part of it is the fact that Black people in general have a very strong Background and culture or way of doing things or core beliefs that run for generations That is one thing we can definitely say about our generation our race and probably other races as well Um, but I was in particular for what we can speak on um, and I find a lot of the battle when we become an adult actually Is one not becoming the narrative that we class as negative such as a father not in the household To a father having to be present and that means if you're not present You're probably not being a man or a good black man at that because that's another thing that is negatively not in our Caribbean household or black household I should say And in free being the provider helper and the the person that is at the top of the household is another part Which is very strongly rooted in our from even if it's part of religion or part of just a black household We could probably all agree on that and from how you all of you that are spoken has particularly shown that But that I always love to pray the controversial side of it is the fact that Let's say you wasn't able to be in the uh your child's life Something was just too difficult to be a part of the the child's life because of maybe your relationship with the mother Or some other circumstances like you're going through things that you just can't seem to be a good man at it Let's say Ryan for example You wasn't able to be the same person as your dad and your grandfather where you was able to try to provide What happens in the day that you can't provide and you can't do when they need you to do the most when they need You to be the rock and you can't be nothing but rubble And then for you simon Will be the case where what happens if you could not support your house the way that your dad did When you it was brought into it, obviously, I know you're a great father right now.

What if you couldn't do that What does that make you as a man and a black man at that? What do you see if i'm one if i'm honest go ahead?

You you feel like a failure are literally gonna say that you feel like I was going through my head You are a failure you know in in whole-hearted honesty because we're trying to have an honest conversation like you We're brought on to this we're in this world to serve a purpose in it to serve a purpose to succeed to To leave something behind a legacy in particular when you have kids You want well at least from my perspective you want to put as much as you can into your kids so if there ever comes a position where I can't fulfill that or I can't be a part of my kid's life or i'm not doing a good job I feel like a failure if i'm honest with you because that's where I see my purpose is I'm Working hard i'm earning money.

I'm doing all of these things to help to provide and it's not to say that That's the position that I have like because everyone says that's what I need to do.

It's just Me again just going back to what I mentioned before is representation of what i've seen And what I believe and what I want to replicate some people don't want to do that and that's fine They can be happy not being in their kid's lives But for me, that's where my purpose is. So if i'm not fulfilling that I do feel like a failure I wouldn't I would beat myself up about it.

Honestly, I would Thank you so much for the transparency and honesty Brian said failure and namon. What do you say? I um I don't know about y'all but Yeah, I talk to them because it comes from the heart My daughter she's four years old right and uh, she had her birthday January, right? Um january is a tough month working retail.

My daughter comes around and she's like daddy daddy daddy I want this for christmas for for birthdays. Now.

You just had a christmas present And i've got to find it with myself and be able to afford what she wants on top of the fact that she's got christmas present now I have um A sometimes a difficulty in being able to provide those things that what they want and I honestly something like sam and I beat myself up Badly, you know, I get Almost like a depressed state that I turn around and be like what black man can't provide and so on and so forth and especially because i'm Not in the household I you have to do more to Be your provider you have to be well, not the top chanteau in the house, but You know You always want to be able to just do And get that money or get this for your child and everything like that and it's difficult to kind of try that fine line so I think similar to what sam had said, you know the society turning around and saying to you This is what you've got to do as a black man And this is what you do as a black man doesn't turn around and kind of give you A written out plan for a contingency plan to say what happens when you don't do that So let's get into ryan's one before we continue For the rest, let's get it the black man's place in the house was such a deep deep thought process for me because it's like I've had such a positive role model.

So for me I think my dad showed me the rights and wrongs from a young age and I think he gave me the ability to understand Not Not how to be an alpha mobile what an alpha male actually is then I think a lot of people have this narrative that is It's a person that can big up his chest and flash money and have all these nice things and act Not of just aggression, but like with a certain like a certain piece of dominance And it's not that for me.

It's like You protect honor obey and serve the people you love and it's not about bowing down it's like You have their best interests at heart and you put them first and you protect them at all times and you Educate them and you be their rock their shoulder to cry on You're just there for them.

I don't know how to explain it deeper than that, but those for me the things I look at and Then going forward it's like Not saying I've got someone pay for anything because I did But I think people have this thing like men must always pay and men must do this. I think Our role in that house now changes because I think with society moving forward.

It's like we always we have to do everything And we are looked at in a certain way to do everything And for me, it's like I really sit there and think Is this what?

Life is in that sense like is this all women look at men for And I think of everything now going forward for me I can't really see Anything changing I think it's just going to get worse as we grow out how people are going to view The house role or just a role in the house in general like what part does a man play?

Especially being a black man like we have to educate our young kings Racism we have to educate them about the system and how we have to conduct ourselves is It's a lot like we have to teach them About gang violence and knife crime and all these kind of things and it's like we're still going to be worried Because our kids are going to get stereotyped even if they're bad like we're still going to have that stereotype over our head and Everything could do is 10 times harder and being That dominant character we have to really then sit there and protect what we have and don't break egos but make people understand that we are We try hard we do struggle but we do give 100% of everything we do And It's just hard for me to look at things any different now and I really get upset with like my past With certain things and people like oh, yeah, but you're lucky you had a father and you had good role models around you and it's like No, like you have those things as well.

They all are there like you can all Have those things you just gotta like take yourself away from the negativity of everything And really sit there and look deeper and like think I don't need to be doing what he's doing Like I want to be like so and so let me go and sit there and you can learn about so and so and why this person Is the way they are And I don't think we as a whole help that because of what we see on instagram and all that kind of stuff, but Yeah, man, it's hard for me to look at that any different growing up i'll be honest and Yeah, I can't think any deeper than that.

My mind's gonna go My first thing is self-awareness Not only for yourself Um Because self-awareness will give you control of what you should and shouldn't do Uh, what actually is your responsibility? Does it mean you're failing if you're not doing the things that were passed down to you?

Yeah, and then the second part to it is self-awareness for the other people who don't have their fathers in their lives and didn't Have their grandfathers or didn't have a father figure um, how are they able to Know what to do right and wrong Um, but again, it requires self-awareness to understand. Okay.

Well, this doesn't feel right So maybe I should look elsewhere for some type of influence et cetera And I think in general self-awareness is a key thing in talking about Being a black man or black person in general because I think sometimes people I love listening to you guys and as well and I I can't say that I don't have like certain Traits or things that I believe in myself that I I feel like I have to uphold or kind of person I have to be But I kind of spoke i've spoken to so many men Around men's mental health for quite a few years now and everything Is pretty much orientated around Them fighting with reality and in the sense of what they imagine they're supposed to be versus what they are being And then not not knowing why they can't just be who they're supposed to be in Well, and who are they supposed to be?

Where does that come from? Is it because they gave it to themselves? No, actually most of the things that people believe is their purpose or their core beliefs is actually a generational or cultural belief but has a person actually deep gone that deep As a person actually dive deeper within themselves to figure out actually is my purpose supposed to be this Are you supposed to be in a? A two-parent relationship.

For example, are you supposed to be a father? Are you supposed to be this person? Or are you just living out a narrative that was passed down to you? And a question this is something for you to think about as well is when you think about your purpose If god never made us incomplete. Do you believe your purpose is to do with external things?

Including your partner including your kids or do you believe your purpose originally was actually supposed to be more about you What are you doing as an individual? Because does it mean that when you become a father that's when you have purpose Does it believe when you are acting like the other black men? That's when you have purpose Does it mean when you are upholding what a caribbean?

Household is supposed to be like is that when you're living your purpose or is your purpose actually something that is more individual?

I think for me In asking the answer in that question I Already had a I already had a goal to have kids and I always wanted to be a barber but my Aspirations in doing so Um change the parameters change Um, as I said before you kind of always want this Like you said two-parent household um, but it didn't change my outlook of having and wanting to be a father and a father figuring out his life and It didn't it just checked out like the parameters changed that you can still be a good dad or a good father and still Do one of the things that you want to but you just have to adjust to those kind of things I think Literally, I had to sit back to understand something to myself my goal growing up Like when it comes to that was always to be better than my dad And my dad's a great man like I can't obviously he has his faults but for how he's grown me I can't fool him and He's He said that about my granddad.

He was like anything my grandpa anything my dad didn't do with me I'm gonna make sure I do with you and that's my philosophy anything my dad hasn't done with me I'm gonna make sure I do with my kids and I hope that can continue because you know what is It's all about learning Like my dad told me I should have done this with you when we were younger Like he's like I should have sent you to private school before secondary school Let's give you a bit more of a head start Don't get me wrong.

I still don't when in my gcc's and my a-levels and that but he was just like That could have kick-started something else. I don't know.

So maybe I could send my kids to private school It's it's the things that he didn't do I give the opportunity to my kids To be honest For me when I'm thinking about okay Did I have a purpose before kids or whatever my mindset is very much as an individual it's not necessarily as I don't think of myself as like a black man living in london um Come from east london reason is like I don't I don't categorize myself first before I think okay.

I'm simon That's who I think first. I'm simon first before I think i'm a black man. I think well i'm simon What would simon do what what do I believe is the right thing to do before I think what do I believe? I should be doing as a black man It's well, what do I think I should be doing? What is my purpose as me not is what is my purpose as a black man on this earth is what is my purpose?

Some people argue whether that's right or wrong. That's that's completely down to them um, but I always think that whenever i'm thinking about Giving myself a goal a purpose and how I succeed in life is about What can I do not necessarily to compare myself to other people and say yeah Well, I want to be like this person don't get me wrong.

Obviously inspiration is everywhere You're thinking about what's your place in a home your inspiration is from Your father figures your dad your uncle's whoever But I don't I try not to compare myself to that and be like well, am I better than my dad? Am I not as good as my dad?

It's like well I'm just gonna do as best as I can because that's all I can give I try and be better every day and do what I can But i'm never gonna I would never kind of beat myself at some point and say well I'm not as good as my dad is because my dad's great Don't get me wrong. My dad's great, but My mindset has never been like that to compare myself to anybody else.

It's just I do what I can and Ryan going back to your your voice note I can kind of hear the struggle I heard the struggle in your voice or you was just the exhaling. Yeah I couldn't just hear the pain the pressure the struggle because when Chris sent the question so I just looked at it. I was like, oh really? I was just like mid mid email as well as I saw it.

I was just like, oh yeah, me I think one thing that we're kind of forgetting here, which is the basis of One of the reasons why we find it difficult to kind of maybe succeed in relationships in love Like I don't know what it is with black men.

We've got this bravado about showing love As a whole And as a disciplinarian in the household It kind of is kind of put second place in that Dad still needs to show love in the household and you ever get that kind of like As we're all men here I'm gonna give i'm gonna give something different i'm gonna give something different go and carry on finish what you're saying So I was I was I was I was like I always I went one of the things that I turned around and Similar to what Ryan said is like I want to do something that my dad never did and I do this now Ever so much more than I did when I first had my kids.

It was telling my kids that I love them I don't know whether or not we hear this I'm not saying that my parents were bad and whatever it is But sometimes it's difficult to get them kind of words out from from black parents.

It's like I love you or i'm sorry So yes, but when they beat you that's love, too Yeah When you beat your kids Some parents think that that's love i'm disciplining you because i'm trying to teach you to be better And i'm not saying it's the right way to go about it. Yeah, some people Treat that as love right if I didn't love you. I wouldn't care what you're doing.

I wouldn't have to discipline I'm beating you because I love you. I love and I want you to do better.

I don't get me wrong It's not i'm not right out here, you know I don't want child relying to call me up and tell me and say i'm out here beating my kids But I understood that one of the things that was missing in that part was the explanation on why i've done wrong so If you turn around and you beat your child and then that child resents you after It's because they don't fully understand why they're being beaten If you turn around and discipline that child and then you turn around and say look I'm sorry I didn't really want to have to do that in the first place right It turns around and it doesn't make it it doesn't if you're not trying to be You're bridging with your your child, but you want your child to still have that respect for you As a child and you as a parent So for me when it came to being disciplining and everything like that.

Yeah, then you know Name is the one that sort of problems in the house or everything like that But I also wanted to have my kids understand that daddy loves And I think when it comes to the black man as all of the all of the words that we've used are very masculine And we haven't delved into that kind of the ideology of What emotion should I be trained for my child as a black man in my household?

But we haven't learned. I don't think we've learned that though.

I don't you know, we haven't And the thing is as a black man, you're you you you control your kids through fear because that's what usually that's what This is where I come in So here's why I come in so obviously I didn't get to do a recording I thought it would be I didn't actually know how to answer the question Um, because I really don't have a strong belief of it having to be a particular way Of it being a black man to do it or even a man to do it in a sense because I don't know i've listened to so many people where most of their depression and their responsibilities and the anxiety and their pressure comes from the facts of what they What people the society expects them to be?

Um, but my but my upbringing is completely It's not completely different.

It's not the same pretty much caribbean household But actually my dad was very loving and the funny thing about is that my grandfather, which is his dad wasn't Was not affectionate at all if anything he was harsh on him and he had a Hard hard upbringing and he said to me he wanted to be a better father to me Then he was then his father was to him.

Yeah But in particular my dad does show affection so he does we did have the upbringing of dad saying that he loved me Explaining to me why he's done certain things.

They probably only if they ever beat me there was no beating So my parents said you can never call yourself a bad child because you're only ever hit once I said your Your your hand you got hit once it'll be like if i'm getting hit It'll be the one hit and i'm like, you know what that's enough for today You got hit once And dad dad was brought up on the opposite side of that and so was mom I got a choice of what weapon I was going to get literally.

I didn't have that And the funny thing you know what?

You know the part that they explained afterwards was that when that happens within 24 hours of it happening, they would then explain themselves So this what everybody wishes for was completely different on how I was brought up And this is why i'm probably a bit more open about how I see stuff and we had this I had a conversation I went and did an international Mentality event in st. Lucia and in st.

Lucia You could imagine what the caribbean men but if you did if they were if his harsh hair, you know, the origins is harsher So we had people around men of 35 to 50 something and some of them said to them Not only did they never have a father in their life Even they were all the way to 40s or 50s Not only did they not know how to be a father as to why they're not in their own kids life But also some of them were fathers currently and they had both they had both men and women So both a daughter and a son or sons in their life And they never told their sons they loved them but told their daughters.

They loved them in that particular um What I call it event that I did He literally text his three boys And told them all he loves them. The oldest one was the most resistant like, um Why would you use this? Thank you But he said are Are you okay? And he said I love you too. The second oldest said, uh, okay.

I love you And then the third oldest just said it But he had never said it in their life and they're all teenagers and above So you can imagine this was and then my dad ex shared that he was a person that brought up in that way So this is how my mind is way different as to whose responsibility is who because dad steps in for if he had to cook Sometimes they've had to do washing if mom's not around when he's not just we will never see like oh the place is not clean Not taking care of not eat not fed just because one or the other is not there There was a balance the whole way so when I think about a black man, the only thing I can really truly resonate with Is being present And the second part is being is education because navigating in this world as a black man has a very unique um Experience you have to go through to then pass it on to somebody else to explain What is it like but other than that the rest of the stuff Is is I understand it and I we talk about it and I hear it from other people's families But I wasn't brought up with that level of pressure I was brought up in a completely it wasn't pressure less.

There were still responsibilities, but it came from both sides I mean No, because my my dad was not tough love he was like Love but tough love at the same time. I remember Like as crazy he's been being once I can't remember what I done But I said something I was on the phone. I was like, oh my dad switched.

I'll call you in a minute when I switched I listen If my dad's a bit bigger than me in it taller But he grabbed me by my like literally by my top and had me in one corner. My feet were dangling Yeah, and i'm like, hey don't laugh at the abuse yo And i'm looking at this guy i'm like How can you do that to your son?

I'm your son And this is what when craig said like his dad is literally but he showed him right from always My dad literally put me down five minutes later.

I was actually sitting on my bed Yeah, no, you're trying to play xbox behind you're shaking Yeah You feel in that moment You don't love you don't love me you don't you don't You don't because I miss the beat because he's had me like this shit before he put me down my mom's I don't hurt my child So imagine he's got my mom here You know And i'm looking i'm thinking you can't hit me because you've got your wife there as well So what are you gonna do?

But i'm like, I can't say I gained a new level of not respect for him, but I gained a new level of fear and respect In a sense where He's just like literally that I would never ever strike that fear into you ever again in my life.

It was just like a split instinct and he was just like You need to understand when to stop And for me it was just like You had my best interest at heart and that was your way of actually getting me to no now I'm back in that i'm like Bit messed up, but that's the way you got me to think about it.

So I said I can understand where the love the love fear thing comes We've gone to our q a section, yeah, it's crazy, okay, so the first question and this is for anyone, yeah Do you think a man's strength?

Dictates his position within the home Yeah Yes, yeah, I do I yeah, maybe it shouldn't be but but yes People are going to react to the verse not being a leader in a sense No matter how quiet like you could be quiet and have a good head on your shoulders if you're not vocal sometimes it's So with so with that being said, would you think that someone a man within a home who doesn't?

Who isn't necessarily mentally strong? does that mean that he doesn't hold a A place in the home like how do how is he perceived in that then I still now this is a question That's the problem because technically just because he's not mentally strong doesn't mean that he should be beaten up for his particular phase or Current place he like well how he state his current state.

However in the society that we live in People are judged on the basis of their mental fortitude or even their their strength to speak up for themselves Or courage I should say speaking up for themselves. So That's a very controversial one. But yes, it does it does um affect their place in the household Like will the woman have a certain level of respect for her?

Will the kids even have a little bit of level respect and will the family even have a little level of respect for him as well?

Harsh world There's a presumption almost in this question on this topic where The Dynamic is that there's just one black man that has a place in the home But what if you think about it where there's two dominant black men in a home or you've got The dynamic or the battle between a son trying to be the dominant person in a home compared to the dad how do you Does this like kind of change your your perception of?

What a black man's position should be in a home considering There's more than one dominant figure. Yeah, like how do you find that place?

Very very quickly that honest that me and my dad like this and I realized during lockdown We're both at home Like at every minute every second of the day and it's how i'm looking at him i'm like We clatter pull like this We clash over the tv For playing arson playing we're both arson fans and he literally looked at me goes.

I'm not watching it I was like, but there's like you want to watch a cooking program You don't you don't go and cook what's on the program you cook something, but you're not going to cook that And i'm trying to understand I literally I was like, oh my god, what am I doing? I said i'm coming back I went upstairs And I literally sat there and I was like This is going to be ongoing.

This is all two two three weeks in I'm like, this is actually going to be an ongoing thing. It's just going to get worse and worse and worse and then it snapped about july Before I went back to work. I need to be gone And I said this i've become this conversation with craig.

I was like I need I need to go I was like I need to go I need to Find an escape now because we've not i've outgrown the house I have actually i've outgrown the house. That's what is That's interesting.

I've actually what do you think so you think obviously with that dynamic in place within your house Obviously your dad's probably got his own Perception of this is how you position within the home What do you think that your position is?

I've I've learned what i've learned from my dad now and now it's time for me to put practice into what I can do for myself and become a Not a better version of him, but an upgrade if that makes sense What interesting question?

Like I I don't know when like I All right with my parents like because obviously they have their own home in santa nucia and they they even live with me when they come down here for some holidays and stuff and um That is that is always going to be dad's like there's certain things he will do when he says like oh You should do something Like I don't know fix something and he'll be like, oh, let's do it now Not into the later but i'm like, oh no, I'll do it later I've got other things I want to do simple what's so important and i'm like Some other things like I don't know.

I've got a call or got something to do So that's where that's the that's the closest we have a clash that certain things that they believe is that they will that they usually are a habit of doing Um, do I have a clash with them?

Because even I moved out at one point and then I moved back in with them to save more money and then I moved out again I I I think I always accepted the position of the sun In my I always kept that in my head.

I've no I am never ever More than them ever now when I moved out and then they moved into my place or when I moved out and I came to theirs Then it started it started to change but they But I didn't change They changed so they were like, oh like hopefully you were doing things in your way that you like and you're not doing so They'll do some things and at first they're like, oh they're doing certain things in their way And then they'll be like, oh, yeah, by the way, you call this and I said look I was brought the same way you don't brought me up your parents are polite.

Yeah Mom and dad like mom will do something and then dad will check mom and be like come on Just like relax on the way and then mom would dad will do something and said just let him sleep like let it's cool So they it's a balancing act of them. But yeah, I guess you're right is like I live in a household with my mom and my brother.

My brother is uh, 10 years my junior um We bump heads all the time Every day the week and it could be Um, we live in me and my brother share a room, right?

And when we bump head it's never got physical or something like that, but it gets to the point where i'm just You might you might understand that you never want to go home because you know that it's a crowded space And having your own space gives you that level of freedom I could time right and be like because I moved out and then I came back home to mommy and it was like well, my brother's kind of like You know the head guy in the house now my brother so anything like levels of like getting things done, you know They'd be talking about it and i'm like, well i'm kind of here two guys But one of the things that I learned um through by doing that My brother my brother closer than we've ever been is to turn around and be able to talk it out Yeah, well I'm the youngest so it's a different dynamic for me.

Yeah, because i'm never really a baby I never really felt that I had a position Yeah I never really felt I had a position to be the dominant person in the house at all because I was the youngest like my I've got all the brother and then my dad's in the house. So the three men in the house I couldn't I couldn't claim nothing. What am I claiming?

Yeah, i'm the youngest i'm the smallest I just I had to submit to that position man. I knew that I knew that position early on It weren't gonna happen. But then again again me being me I was very Independent anyway, so it was not like to say I saw myself as Okay, this is the role that I need to take within this group. It was like what can I do on my own?

So because I guess maybe it was partly because I was the youngest and I knew I could never really have that dominant position Within the group within the unit as a family.

I had to make a dominant position by myself if that makes sense So I had to I had to kind of make that journey alone And and kind of find my own place and that's that's where that's kind of my dynamic within the house That's a really interesting outlook of it because you basically looked within yourself as to how you can be your own leader of yourself Rather than trying to be a leader of something else instead, but yeah, yeah That's this has been a powerful conversation you you guys seriously I knew it was going to go over because it's a big statement.

Did we reach a conclusion? I think that the whole point is that we don't reach conclusions. Everybody's different Everyone has a different perspective and that's the beauty of us as human beings and people and black men Um, so I hope that this has helped. All right.

Well, yeah amazing Thank you so much guys for obviously sending in those questions Please do keep sending them in Um, obviously this platform isn't just about us talking to you guys.

It's about you guys getting involved Asking questions and continuing the conversation So open up to us about your views and your experiences if you enjoyed the podcast, please like share And remember to follow us to stay up to date with all of our new content and events Thank you guys for taking part. Thank you. Ryan. Thank you. Neiman. Thank you craig Thank you guys for listening as always man. Thank you so much.

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