Ep18 | Can I Outgrow My Parents? (Ft Ricky & Leon)

There's a point in your life become 18 21 you're an adult you can move out your house and you're adult there comes a point in time You will realize your parents didn't know everything Then you're like, okay, if they don't know everything then what I believe Could not could possibly not be true That means I'm gonna have to find something completely new and to find out a different way that works best for me best for me Welcome to talking to my thoughts the podcast where we have open honest and raw Conversations about the things that are playing on when my name is Simon aka SJ.

I'm a video creator I'm a father and I'm a business enthusiast My name is Craig aka. Mr. Positive a cheesy motivator with a solution background big dreams And a passion for helping others find and maintain their peace My name is Leon. I'm a security officer Personal trainer family man and just go about life.

You're just improving myself and enjoying laughter fullest in peace My name is Ricardo Francis aka Ricardo lifting. I am a gym manager a personal trainer a personal trainer mentor and also a youtuber cheese Okay people in it in it in it in it madness. Okay, cool.

So obviously in this podcast We bring a unique perspective on our inner thoughts by literally pre recording the things that are on our mind Before talking about them with the group now We do this because we believe before you can be open with others You first have to be open with yourself So make sure you guys stay updated and follow us on all of our socials at talking to my thoughts now today's topic is How my upbringing affects me as a man when you when you initially think of that question, I guess we'll start with Craig What's the first thing that pops into yet?

Some reason Christmas time for it comes off into my head.

I don't know why I like those are one of the that some of the highlights of happy times Like a lot of happy times a lot of togetherness a lot of food as well so I find like I don't know it's like a warm feeling thinking about like my upbringing and then that kind of just Brings on through the rest of my life as well When it comes to my upbringing, I'm always thinking family first No, I'm with it where the heart is Friends follow on from that and then you think of your environment in the externals what comes to my mind is a family because obviously that's who's gonna bring you up as you're growing up and Things associated with the family, you know, just cousins and everything else and external family and you know how things Affect you younger you don't realize as you grow older, but at the time you're just like, oh, that's how it is, you know But yeah, as you get older you realize like wow that instant impacted me a lot to why attribute or why contribute or why?

I act certain ways now And it's just having a realisation now as an old man Yeah, that's what comes to my mind initially when I hear that question The first thing that kind of triggers for me is an emotional roller coaster Obviously when you're being raised as a black man as well Given like the society that we live in It is an emotional roller coaster you go through so much especially growing up from young and then going into your teenage years and thinking about how you how you manage life and how your your parents kind of deal with your emotions and your stresses and and Even the things that you have to deal with personally is it is an emotional roller coaster And I think that's that's the first thing that kind of triggers my mind It's definitely about family and to giving us but at the same time, it's not always pre It's not always free with that in mind.

I guess we'll start with our first pre record. I don't know who wants to volunteer Cool, let's just Okay, it's Ricky's first. Cool.

My upbringing kind of defined me me as a man today In positive ways, you know a lot from the household, you know grew up with two loving parents Even the dynamics between my parents kind of determined how I turned out as a man, you know from the way I talk the way I present myself and I'm very fortunate because my parents were what I considered as overprotective, but I grew up in South London so that kind of Yeah, there was a reason for the overprotectiveness and it actually saved me from Being in certain situations and Blending in with certain crowds.

It saved me from having to go through certain things But also prevented me from going to through certain things until later on which then I had to quickly learn How to adapt to that situation? I had to quickly Learn how to make sure I don't get into other situations as well So it's interesting, you know having a younger younger sibling a younger sister.

It made me Go through the good and the bad and I'm kind of understanding not only how to do with a sibling, but What my depiction of an older brother was was not her depiction of what she wanted as a lot for an older brother And therefore we clapped like Tom and Jerry and that quick I quickly had to change because I realized that wasn't working Just because I say something doesn't mean she would do it.

So I then have to quickly succumb to change my ways and a Lot of it was through through learning learning through going through different experiences, you know But I was fortunate to have good friends and family that will help me Understand certain situations help me to understand how to get out of certain situations understand how to be calm and peaceful and it kind of defined my I say Find what I classed as masculinity it defines masculinity in a non-toxic way in a way Which wasn't typical of South London?

majority Southeast London my age mates They would be doing a lot of stuff, you know, there's a lot to prove there's a lot to proven on the roads that all with respect or with expectation of what you should be doing feels about it, etc, and I Quickly fell out of that because I had my parents who were very unprotective and wouldn't allow me to to fall into that You know be home before it's dark or in wintertime dark is 3 p.m.

You finish school at 10 past 3.

You have to be home already like things like that That kind of saved me from it And yeah, just having friends good friends that were around me that I could bring home Knowing that you have good friends that you can bring home and your parents don't mind you bring them home Because they're rather you'd be at home and out somewhere else with something could be happening Again that kind of molded interactions upon upon us how we spoke, you know how we Not just how we spoke but our mentality towards being better.

We can have conversations about that Typical guys couldn't have conversations about that how we treated women, you know, we were classed as the sweet boys Why because we didn't have something to prove we wasn't as much as as boys you would match yourselves up towards each other It was a different way.

It was a respectful way, you know It's something that again if I'm at home I can speak about it and will never be pulled up by my parents by it because it's not in a disrespectful way so a lot of the upbringing was down to my environment so products in my environment at the end of the day and It kind of molded me the man I am today when my dad passed away when I was 16, I had to step up I had to step up as a man and Take on board The lessons he taught me to now apply it in a way where he's not gonna be there to tell me anymore I have to apply it for myself, you know I have to try and make sure that my sister applies to herself as well Like as much as she's a woman, there's still principles that are universal, you know How do I address a confrontation For me personally, I'm always calm, cool as a cucumber and therefore you never get escalated Some people they have to hype up to it.

Am I a dickhead? Cool. I'm gonna hype up to it That was typical in my area, you know, some people had a treat girls treat girls like a piece of meat I have never done that because I saw only ever saw respect in my household for my mother I only had respect for my household for my sister. Like that's something that was a given Something that was a given within my family and upbringing.

That was a given you had to show respect to the women.

So Upbringing really defines How you come out of being a teen growing up and becoming a man and If you are a man with flaws, you first have to identify those flaws to change your ways to become the man That you probably want to be because at the end of the day I think everyone has an image of what a man is Some people's might be skewed by what they've been shown But when they really think for themselves and a lot of times they reflect and say, you know I don't want to be there and that's where they implement change, but it's first recognizing within yourself The way you project yourself out into the world is obviously a reflection of what you see in the in the home Which I think is quite important because obviously when we address Particular issues with with people in the world a lot of it does stem from how they were up and what they did see around them whether it's from their parents whether it's from their family members and Friends close friends as you said as well.

It's this important that With your with your household and with your upbringing you you one thing you mentioned was that your parents were quite protective How do you feel that that directly has affected you? Do you think that in any case it did it kind of Stop you from kind of living your life Do you feel like there was any way where they you felt it was over protection or how do you think that that?

In in order for them to protect you has resulted in who you are today You know when you're younger and you go through your teen years, especially you can feel that protection is over The certain times you want to go out. They're not letting you go out.

Yes with your age makes them and Going off to school like I had to come home There's a certain time it took me to get home We finished at 10 past 3 if I took the bus to go home. I had to be home at 4 And I receive a phone call on the home phone at 4 o'clock on the duck if I missed that Something was wrong. Mm-hmm.

So it's just things like that that as much as your you see as overprotective when you're younger Growing up. I'm looking back and I'm like, I'm kind of glad I wasn't in these situations And the next day you hear from this friend or this person or this happened off the school some madness happen Growing up I kind of reflected back Especially later on through my teen years.

It was like Glad because I know I would have been influenced and been with certain people That wasn't necessarily doing the best thing.

He took us through things such as like obviously his area played a big part And he's so it's like it there was like two environments one was his house one was this area Which one are you going to like be loyal to is it gonna be that is it gonna be the outside is gonna be the inside and Thankfully, he had a lot of like good friends and the right people I was put in his life that kind of kept him He extended his household instead of extending what the environment he was put in in a sense You could say he was literally just saying you know what?

He stuck with what his parents say obviously there's a bit of resistance at some points with okay Why do I have to come at home at these times? I had the same kind of cause by 4 p.m.

Mums like Where's the call what happened and the thing is I've avoided a lot of things a lot of fights that happened outside my school A lot of things that went on in my friends I didn't have to experience that because I was already home in a sense and I was happy to but I guess Ricky was Ricky be my cousin.

I really knew he was a bit of a different person where he he was a very social person So it was a very key that he had good friends involved at the same time, but it kept him in so my question really to you is Do you ever feel there was? Was it like this transitional period where you just you when did you realize?

That how your parents brought you up is the right way to follow because obviously there was a lot of tug-and-pull and it's not and tug-of-war with Outside and inside and friends on the outside and stuff that when did you realize you know what? I'm just gonna stick to what they said to for me to do because it's done me well When did you realize that you think I think I'll say the latest part of secondary school?

Me and that's because I started to experience it regardless of coming up Certain things certain people in the roads fights after school would be like whole school fights one school versus another and I look at some of it it says I was like I Could have turned out like this man this man this man Could have been on crud running from the police Someone could have got stabbed.

I could have been part of this game, and it just made me realize you know I'm kind of glad I got taken away from all that because my life could have been so different I'll say about yeah, say later part of secondary school about 15 16 When I realized what kind of emotions or battles or was it any incidents or experiences?

At one point maybe maybe me being with my friends is the right way to go Maybe this is what I want to do Maybe my parents and just being a bit too overprotective and being a bit too picky like did you ever have those kind of?

emotional battles with yourself 100% I definitely did I remember getting into arguments with my parents trying to because I couldn't go out I remember one time I actually decided to go out on my own accord like stay out later than I should have This is me And the madness that happens is by the time I got home my parents have called the school Ready to call the police.

I'm missing That is it and I felt so bad And the worst thing you know when you lie Wait, so there's me There's me saying oh well I got I stayed I had to stay off the school in detention Mmm, and then I just quickly went to the shop and then I came back Obviously that last night not saying I didn't go to detention, but the detention was 10 minutes.

No, that doesn't account for the whole So My mom wrote a strong letter to the school Was to for I've been kept in detention for too long.

It's a new about The condition then they just the situation with me and I had to fess up like I was Okay, I went to the chicken shop with the boys It was not worth it From that point is like I had to rebuild that trust with my parents But that was kind of my one rebellious stage after that it was just the mental battle a little bit, you know There's certain things that okay.

I didn't have to directly prove But when I got older I kind of did you know, like are you about this life that? Test your people want to test your strength people want to test your resilience, you know They they start it's like us in this part. They start attacking you Can you can you firma rush it like things like that? I had to learn that quickly without actually Being in that environment too much.

The most I got it was school. I had to just clue myself up quickly resolve it and try to make sure I'm not escalating situations and that kind of kept me at bay and Then yeah, I'm grateful for it. Now. I'm like I said looking back I would have wanted to be more a bigger part of that, but I've got nothing to prove now.

So I'm happy And then the other day I don't feel like a broken man because when did he realize that he was Trying to be a bit brother that he wasn't that his sister didn't want him to become and when how did he?

Juggle becoming a brother that she wanted him to be Quaker Leon both know Simon probably doesn't know that me and my sister Chloe like we were like cat and mouse We were literally Tom and Jerry what you see on the cartoons.

That's how we were Every weekend used to wind each other up push each other's buttons and it got so bad in the home That like know how an older sibling would normally look after the younger sibling while the parents go to the shops No She's getting she like we couldn't be left alone at home.

So I would be left alone and my parents will take her Like that's how it was Because you thought someone was gonna Literally, I think the thing that made That situation worse between us at the time was that my parents used to say listen This is I used to react.

I'm a boy When you get angry the first thing you do is hit And I used to get told in front of my parents and in front of her that was the worst thing You're not her parent. Do not hit her In her head, that means you're not my parent. You can't tell me what to do I'll get away with it So that's kind of how that escalated. Um, and it's not until older years. So I would say When I actually moved out so we moved to st.

Lucia and then I came back to England By myself his body and then later on she came back to England And that's when things kind of changed completely that distance she realized she appreciated me a bit more And that distance actually made me realize I can't dominate myself as an older brother That's never worked We've always clashed If I want this relationship to be Of a working relationship because i've seen older brothers and sisters that don't I want it to be a working relationship.

I have to be I have to change my approach completely So I got to a point where it's just like i'm going to listen to you And if you want advice, I will give you advice. All i'm here to do is listen and support you And Doing that kind of change the whole time. Yeah, I see it go through mistakes that I wish you didn't go through but That's for her to go through That's how she learns.

That's how she's going to go through it as long as i'm there to support her Okay, I guess that's the best I can do Yeah, you you you took us for a long journey mom like and you really showed us certain pieces of It was like you had pieces of Yourself pieces are with your friends pieces in your environment pieces in your school Pieces on your own.

These are all contributed to you having to go through and you the thing is you've never actually been alone For the whole thing, but again to even get to the part that you had to at the end There was times of loneliness having to think for yourself like okay, my friends are doing this But am I going to do this? Okay, my sister's accident, but am I going to do this?

My parents told me to do this, but am I going to and I think this is It really resonates with how we are we are upbringing anyway, even if we had like we well we well me you And leon had a quite a close upbringing in a sense But still there was isolation with just small tweaks of how our parents will treat us how our friends are What school we went to what year we were in small tweaks still makes it a very isolated and lonely journey But and then you say well and then someone you express to somebody else and they're like no But you know, but you're not alone though.

You always had your cousin. Yeah. Yeah, I got them But this is something I got to do for myself and I think people can either take the victim role or take the The the superhero or like they're their own super and you can they took the i'm here but on my own Okay, i'm the even the last decision you made with your sister Wasn't I need to change her mind anymore?

It was I need to change my mind and my perspective about this and now I will gain control and now you have a greater control Do you ever have over your relationship? Which is a unique thing and I think I think that men don't usually often they always think forced and pushing and Just going like like kind of like when there's a wall, they're like, okay How did how did four do it?

He threw the hammer through the wall Also through the wall that is the answer. It's like no actually there's other ways To do it and I think men don't sometimes take that step back and realize that so That's the interesting. Thanks for sharing that. That's an interesting. Um journey. I guess let's get straight into Into leons. Yeah, man, let's do it. How did my upbringing affect me?

I'd say it's two parts that would have influenced me would be my household and um environment Um, I'll start with my household. I'd say my household It um You know grew up with my mom and dad um in the city london You don't really hear that often Um, but I did my mom didn't play too much part of my upbringing in sense of my discipline because she left it to my dad because You know, he knew how to oh, you're the fool.

He knew how to um raise A boy kind of thing.

Um, but yeah, most of it was discipline was from my dad um The positives I got out of you know My household was that I had two parents that were together and obviously i've seen their relationships up and down and You know, they have arguments and stuff But from what I saw is they always worked it out stuck it out with each other And um got through their problems kind of thing.

Um So that installed like, you know good relationship values and in a relationship to work things out Regardless of how it's going like, you know, always try to work it out rather than this day and age Everyone just like i'll break up the walls or whatever Parents was on showed me that no if you work on things it will prosper, you know um so yeah, that's one part of the aspect of it and then I would say my household is all good family values in the sense of like Being there for your family, you know looking after your sister and stuff like that And just being there for your family in general like being the oldest sibling also because I have a younger sister Um as an older sibling as you get older you take charge of a lot of things, you know, um like me Going to secondary school from year 11 Coming home from school every evening monday to friday cooking dinner for my own monday to thursday because friday will be take away We're cooking dinner for my dad.

This is like 11 years old, you know, but um, these are expectations from my west indian family or as west indian dad even um when really at times there should be him cooking dinners for me, you know, and that's what I mean by like You learn to serve people and then but then I didn't mind at the time because I enjoyed cooking But then in the hindsight, I should have been focusing on my studies.

Um Um Yeah, then obviously with the discipline part I thought like there was a lot of injustice with my upbringing Because a lot of people just didn't all my friends all my parents all my dad didn't understand me, you know, and west indian turned to things was to beat me without any explanation really as such and that was my Interaction with you know discipline It's that whether I do wrong you get beat for it.

There would be no explanation No, I understand make you understand why you got beat for it Just maybe the understanding was being naughty but not in the sense why it's seen as naughty And that's how it was and then on top of that being made responsible of my sister in terms of look after sister Make sure sister don't do this and if my sister hurt myself because I wasn't watching her I would have got told off and beat for that Which is difficult because again i'm growing up to be responsible for my own actions and no one else But in that instance, I was responsible for someone else's actions, you know Um, and then in the same breath my sister would tell me you're not my dad, you know You can't tell me what to do, but my dad's sending me to look after you So he puts me on doublet so I was like, what do I do?

Um, you know, and it's difficult to navigate as a kid How it affected me as an adult my aggression isn't great, you know Then was there something I'd deal with even up to now? Um, but then that would mix in with environment in terms of like where I was brought up. So east london You know in the city of london. It's your typical have this bad boy persona metalli.

Yeah, i'm not getting wrong I wasn't out from like 13 14 on the streets parents were quite protective They didn't let me go out. Um what they did, but you know curfew was really early and things like that I only started going out properly, you know 17 18, um, and getting back after dark type thing.

Um, I once started driving and stuff But yeah being grown up in in-city london, but then even from primary school, you know, I had a kid picking on me um, I went through the right means enough news of You know Telling teachers Nothing happened. Someone told my dad he said how long's been going on for he said fine the next time the boy Approaches you and picks on you. You just hit him. So I did Bust his nose.

He stopped bullying me So obviously in prime school that installed to me violence is going to help you in life and then obviously being at home and being beat for things that i'm Being you know being naughty for then violence to me Quickly gets desensitized almost um and be like well, it's the way of life, you know At a very young age then growing up in the city in the city of london being a teenager You have to have this bad boy.

This is metalli and bad boy persona It's going to make that Aggression even worse basically and that's what it did do, you know, um, and I realized that Having a chip on your shoulder having a bad boy with persona energy or vibe to you Protects you in inner-city london.

You might become a victim, you know And even in terms of like me having friends today, I have very few because I grew up in east london where Is a sneaky place. Let's say let's be honest about it, you know Um, i've seen things where like supposedly they are friends, but they're robbing your phone Like how does that work out?

They make out like they're your friend and they're robbing your phone So that's why i'm very cautious of people being like live grown up in inner-city london I guess that that's molded me as a man today. It's all because of people and I have very few friends very and my trust is very Minimal for people that isn't family.

Let's say I trust family a lot, but people that's not family I don't trust them at all because of their experiences Um, and I have very few friends and friends that I do have they're almost like family And so yeah, that's how I see my upbringing just affected me in that sense with both environment and household One of the key things that I thought was really quite um interesting and I think What I want to pick up the most is the part that you said that He was taught violence Because it seemed like there was a struggle at the beginning which was more saying like can I get can I be understood?

That was the first part Then then it came to a point where it was like, okay now school's on on me Now friends are on me the environment's on me and my dad is on me. So maybe that's just what it's supposed to be Now that you know this today How have you been able to Do you still believe that violence is the way or what have you?

What is your new way of thinking if you have thought of a different way or do you think this is the way?

No, I don't think this is the way I knew my actions were wrong at the time But then you know, I carry these skills from Five all the way up to 21 22, you know, it's a long chunk of your life because these are skills that are going to save you um, you know as a child and being in any city london, um But it's having that realization of where did these Step um behaviors stem from you know, um, it's like little incidents that you might just think some people would just think Oh, it's happened, but I would internalize and carry for the rest of the day and it would be like My whole energy for the day i'll have be grumpy I'll be snappy and having arguments with people and stuff like that when one incident has literally just made my whole day Go down south basically when it's all my response to it When I can just change my response to it and I would live a much more happy and peaceful life Um, but it took me a long time to realize that um And a lot of times of questioning and where did all these come from?

Um, and yeah, there's a lot of stuff that you don't want to hear and you don't want to dig down um and find out um, and it's hard for you to You know at times To come to terms with with what your findings are, you know The first part you really said was that kind of like men men were men raised men, especially in the western indian household It was just like okay your man So your dad is going to be the one to raise you your mom would chip in do you wish That your mom chipped in more Yeah, i'd say so definitely when she felt like she couldn't say anything to my dad in his discipline But I feel like she should have at the time.

Um, but then you know, we've had discussions over the over the years um, and she thought like He was doing the right thing at the time because she didn't know anybody but then at the time Um, she felt like you know, she couldn't say anything to undermine his discipline in front of me Because then I would challenge him with that he she would behind closed doors Um say to my dad, okay I think he was a bit heavy-handed or I think he was a bit too much But if he took that on board would be a different situation, you know, I wouldn't know um So yeah, that's what I would say on that part Okay.

Yeah, I think that plays in with the whole system with both of you where Basically you lot were undermined in front of your parents through different wedding But their interpretation from your little sisters was like no, no, you can't do nothing All right, so yeah, um sam what were your thoughts um yeah, man, I appreciate you sharing that because it does sound like it there was a lot of pressure because this is the difference I think because i'm In my household.

I was the youngest and obviously for you guys You had younger siblings where I was the youngest sibling So I didn't have that responsibility of that added pressure of having a responsibility to someone else I only learned that once I had children for myself and then I had to be responsible for someone How do you so for leon for how do you feel?

That has then instilled in you Your parenting techniques and how you apply that to be in a relationship and having an additional responsibility of now a child as well How do you think that applies? So I know you said you've obviously changed and you've had discussions with your parents But do you still kind of have those those subtleties where you feel that?

Okay, if your child does something not you got beat them automatically. How do you how do you navigate from that?

um so i've made a decision not to beat my child and actually explain to them what I want them to do or what I want from them because um Explaining to them and making them understand would be a lot is a lot easier and then it's more of a mutual understanding You know because again a relationship with a child is also a relationship within itself Um, and you don't want to damage it, you know, that's the things i'd understand It's like you still want to keep that preciousness of that relationship between your child and yourself So you don't want to tarnish it by being this mean person and coming across as like you're always being you know Telling them off so I kind of want to reason with my um daughter and tell her why I want her to do xyz Um, and the thing is what I do struggle with with little things is like she will be in the car with me I might have road rage.

I might raise my voice and things like that. It scares her So then when I do raise my voice in the house, you know, um, just out of annoyance of my own things Or I might just be frustrated and you might be at a raised tone Um, it really scares and I can see the look on her face. Um, that she's really fearful and that in myself it like It really hurts me inside.

That's as far as I can put it, you know, um, and as a father I wouldn't want to put my child through that. So that's how i've gone by my parenting and going forward with it It's the way I feel about it and how I feel Is it myself, you know, it was my guilt if I was to make a fool in that way, how does that relationship then? Affect you with your parents. How does that affect that relationship with your mom?

How does that how does that is there any way that do you feel that a sense sense of like resentment or is it a sense of like Well, you regret the way they had to put you through that is it? What did you do? What's your thought process now looking back and thinking how you was raised and then again applying it to Bringing up your own kids. How do you what's your relationship like now?

Um, well i've gone through the feelings of resentment. Um through you know, asking myself these questions and everything else and then yourself You're thinking oh, why would he do that to you?

You know supposed to love you and then things like that and then even just the point of like I know in our cousins group like Craig and Ricky it was almost like a running joke You know that I used to get beat a lot, you know And even the Lawrence situation resonates a lot in my mind, you know And I even had them guys there to defend me and that didn't matter my dad continued with um, His discipline, you know, um So i've gone through that whole phase of resentment.

Um, it's difficult because at times I still live in my dad's house Obviously, um in the process of moving out but um at times i'm trying to tell him like I'm trying to look at things in a different light and not in the light that you see things and he might not see it But I can't change his mind. I can just change just be controlled in control of myself Um, and i'm not trying to change his mind.

I'm not trying to open his eyes If he doesn't see I can't force him, you know, and i've just got to leave him with his own thought processes And then go and live my truth that I believe is the truth, you know I mean I believe is the right way in my sense in in my my eyes, you know, um, And that's that's that's that's how I navigate the relationship now It's difficult.

Don't get me wrong because you have good days with it and bad days. Um, but It's just how it's got to be done. I guess isn't it? Because I was someone If I didn't get told why I would just do it again I needed to understand. I was I was a stubborn kid. Like if you didn't tell me why what I did wrong I'll just do it again, then it ain't wrong. Didn't it do it exactly exactly Beats was just beats.

I got caught in the moment.

That's that's all it was Yeah, I've got a couple looks where I got a couple it was my dad that did that I got a good couple looks where And even if you think of some people's behaviors today, like they do something they're not really sorry for doing it They're sorry for being caught doing it And I think that's where the communication bridged that gap between Being sorry for doing it and being sorry for being caught doing it.

I think that's kind of what we stand You know having an explanation and understanding as to what your actions are causing Yes, that's I've got a question I've got a question for you three, yeah Can we ever outgrow our parents?

Yes Yeah, I think we can um, why and why do you think so my reasoning is that our parents are brought up in a certain Way in a certain generation from our grandparents generation and into this current generation.

Um, sorry their current generation and time So they they don't do the same things the way that their parents did either There's some things they change and they had to adapt into their own environment Then we have to do the same we get stuff from our parents But now we're in this world which is very different to what their world was like So in the sense of outgrow is more like we adapt to our our time You be used we take what they have it's kind of working and then we add on to our pieces to make it for our time If he was to say like everything was parallel like our parents our parents grandparents and us We probably all grow the same way We all had the same kind of challenges.

It's just a different time So that's how I see as outgrow and um, the other part was really there's a point in your life Become 18 21 you're an adult you can move out your house and your adult there comes a point in time You will realize your parents didn't know everything Then you're like, okay if they don't know everything then what I believe Could not could possibly not be true That means i'm gonna have to find something completely new and to find out a different way that works best for me And I think somebody asked me that question before they said when have you when will you stop living through your parents?

And I said I said well, hold up. My parents are the And they said it's not about Them being great or not. It's nobody saying that they're great.

They're not great or they're not they are great But the thing is you the what you live by everything that you know You've taken it from them Everything's your parents the way they did it the way they did it the way they did it But there's certain pieces that are not going to align with you Maybe the way they got when they got married the way they treat each other the way they talk about the world The way they see things isolation, etc My parents are quite isolated from the world, but i'm a very very friendly open open person So there's going to be a shift you make In yourself where you're going to choose you're going to take some values But then there's going to be some things that you make for yourself that work better for you and your environment and your time But do you think that's that's That's you outgrowing them or do you think that's as you said just adapting to be in the person that you need to be I believe it's outgrowing because you the way that we learned as children or from like mimicking like we copied them cloned them in a sense then we get we're going to get to a certain point where Um that what we learned from them doesn't work completely anymore So then you have to outgrew you have to like almost you're almost literally deciding Okay, if I was my parent they would do it this way, but i'm going to do it that way That's where the outgrowing begins.

So you say you have something a situation that's in front of you They would do it this way, you know that Then they instead he does it you do it the other way Instead so mine might be like, okay Uh, one of the things in my pair with my parents never talk about your income Never talk about your money because then people are asking for it I'm very open about my income and and stuff like with people that are basically in my circle I'm very open to basically telling them so I chose and I said I feel like it's empowering To tell other people where they can be and what they can achieve is empowering to them So that's my problem.

If I was if I was in my parents way, nobody would ever know So that's that's a small example in that way and that's why I believe you're outgrowing in that sense So that you're better than them But actually there's a there's a point where decisions are made and you no longer do it the way that your parents taught you You do it the way that you believe is best Yeah, so leon and ricky as well.

How do you I guess how do you how would you manage that? So I guess I get if you get to whether you've got to that stage in your life already or not Where you realize maybe not everything you taught is the right way or even the right way for you Essentially, how do you manage that because some people can Can almost use it as not a level of disrespect because they could just turn around and be like, you know what mom?

You're trying rubbish. You don't know Dad, you don't know what you're talking about all this time. You was telling me this that's just bollocks What are you talking about? I know better now in it and then next to what you can't get licks because you're a grown man Now in it so but how do you think so? Yeah, how would you how would you manage that kind of transition if you've got there yet How would you do it?

How would you do it? Um To be honest, I think it's all a learning process. Um The transition really comes from when you have to Find some form of independence. I think that was the biggest transition for me. Anyway, um finding that form of independence and realizing Okay, if I try this their way Does it work for me?

because Their way is a set way You do this you do xyz and changing like that part of it Didn't think about it's not if the formula works, but how do we fill do it? That was the biggest thing for me when I took my career path it was completely different for what Cameron was set out for me. I was meant to go into engineering. I have a Degree in automotive engineering.

I am the gym manager So But I went through it and realized got to a point in my life where I realized going through all that education That's the way they set out for me. Some of it was a little bit more than what they planned because my parents never went to university And I realized that probably wasn't the way for me.

I got to a point where I realized I was happier giving something that I enjoyed And as long as I can find a way to monetize it That's the way i'm gonna go and that's the choice I made and i've been happy ever since I can't complain, you know money's decent It will grow as long as my ambition for it grows I'm in a happy place.

I'm in a place where I don't feel like It's like i'm going to work i'm happy cool But if I had it my mom's way I would be an engineer right now but when I looked back at engineers that I knew I'll punish the engineers that I knew but what the industry was showing You know through experience through some of the lecturers. I was like These guys are boring I'm not saying that all engineers are boring.

No, he's saying that he's saying that he's saying yeah. Yeah. Yeah Some of them lacked interpersonal skills some of them didn't have the ability to teach they only had the knowledge Does that make sense?

You know and that's all skills that I limited myself with all my life But I realized doing what I love actually made me get out of that comfort zone But that's not something my mom would have wanted me to necessarily do and even when I went into personal training My mom was like if you do this for now and then look for an engineer job And then I took the next step and I went to assist the manager.

Oh You're getting some money now, but you go back into engineering I It's constant on their mind it's like now i'm at the position i'm at I think she doesn't bring it up so much In her mind.

It's like well, you could be making a little bit more money You did engineering She's still pushing it way But at the end of the day, I i'm not happy with myself, you know There's certain things that I was able to do for myself and I had to go through I had to go through things to realize it and a lot of it was self-reflection What actually makes me happy and what?

And do I have the ability to adapt and learn new things to be able to take on new challenges? You know, I think the whole point is to our growing parents, you know, they teach you everything they can Everything they know everything that they know that works And it's up to us to take that information and grow on it It's up to our mission to do it better than they did.

I think that's the whole point of it You know For generations to improve for things to improve in life. We need to be better Than our parents, I guess we need to do things a step further You know at first you got to think as black people a lot of people came in They were coming in on ships, they're just trying to establish themselves and make some money The next step is okay.

Now we need to broker it then it becomes your empires so we can leave things behind for our children We're we're still in the generation of we're still trying to build stuff We're not at that generation where we can You know, we've been given house a house. We've been given a business to run etc. This is our time to create that So I think the whole point is to not grow your parents Is a generational thing.

It's a time thing. It's different times, you know, um Little things like my dad really don't know how to use a computer. He couldn't jump on and use this right now But I know to use it.

That's the generational thing You know, but it doesn't mean that i'm better than him in that sense as a person but i'm better than him in terms of technology You know, so we are going to be um ahead of our parents in that sense So a better version of our parents because like Ricky said we will take good parts from it that we've learned And the bad parts we won't use but the good parts we will and then use parts that we've learned ourselves on total self-learning and then you'll go forward and um Be a better person for it like myself I've decided you know my decision not to beat my children and i'd rather go through the explanation Root of it and make them understand why I want them to do xyz or not do xyz, you know um and That that's a progress in my eyes because I know the effects of if I did beat my kids what would happen to them in terms of?

Their emotions and like how do they manage the situations in life and further in life because um, i'm dealing with them now So I wouldn't want to inflict that onto them And yeah, that's all Cool. So one of the questions we had was Before you become a parent, do you believe you have to heal from your traumas first? Well, no I would say no because You can be a parent.

It just depends on whether you're a good parent or not You could have told me then be a bad parent. It doesn't stop you from being a parent. Just means you're in a very good one So it kind of leaks off of the fact that they say that if you don't heal from your traumas The the traumas that you have will become your your kids. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah No, I agree with that.

So 100 I would think that I think it is important that you do heal from your traumas regardless of whether you're a parent or not to be honest But because as as with what you already just brought up is those things will You instill what a part of you in your children Either way whether you want to or not if you're naturally a violent person or an aggressive person you will tend to Try you may try and suppress them But eventually it's going to come out because that's instilled in who you are and then when you're raising your kids as leon Leon's brought up as well that that can trickle down into your kids I think that it's important regardless of whether you have kids to kind of heal those traumas but I definitely think that For you to be a good parent if we're trying to define it as being a good parent and and being effective in in raising someone to be Uh essentially a good citizen within the society You I definitely think that you do need to heal those traumas wherever they may be if you don't know any better You ain't going to make them better anyway So if you think that being aggressive is the way you need to be and that's the right way to be about it You're naturally going to instill that in your kids.

You're not going to think well Maybe Aggression isn't a way forward So maybe I need to teach my kids not to be aggressive because if you naturally think that that's the right way to do it You're just going to do it anyway I think that any traumas any Any things that you do have that you need to heal?

I think it probably is important to do it Before you become a parent, but at the same time you need to do it regardless of whether you're a parent or not I do think it's important Um, oh, yeah, I would definitely say it's very important.

I think it's interesting that you picked up aggression Um and even beating and we've discussed it in the in the topic and something that i'm going to say something that caribbean is going to be like I want to hear that Basically, i'm going to say this in my chest beating your kids slapping your kids about Or doing things to your kids that you wouldn't do to adults on the street Is not discipline Is a lack of self-control now the the Reply is going to be like well, i've got beat up So what it did it did it for me?

I'm telling you this If you are not allowed to do it by law in or in the public It is a lack of self-control Because your kids you believe that they are possessions or they are your property No, when you brought them into the world, yes, they were brought by you, but they're not your property They're not they're another human being regardless of how small how big They're another human being so actually you Basically using aggression As a form of a form of discipline because that's the way that you express yourself Is just a lack of self-control because if you did it in a work environment You're sacked if you did it on the street You're arrested It's a very it's very clear cut.

So I don't know where we go in the caribbean that actually we believe that of showing a level of basically showing a level of lack of control you thought was going to Help your your kids get into control. So some of them is that well do why hit them they they became just fine Actually, do you believe the hitting is what made them fine? Or did they find their own way to realize?

I just don't want to get hit So actually you just instilled fear.

So yeah, I would like to I would just say in that sense if you if you have a case where you have this level of trauma or you was a b you was beat or Any level of self-control and that's how you express it onto your kids That's not that's that's not what you that's not the that's not the way to go about it You that is something that you need to heal from because what you're trying to teach them is that actually the lack of control is okay That's what you're saying lack of controlling yourself is okay But the one thing you need to realize is that kids mimic and grow and listen and copy what you do So if you are showing a lack of self-control Then that's not gonna that's not necessarily what the same with my parents when if they ever hit me They would come back and explain it again with the ricky He had a similar thing where one was doing one was doing the other and then ricky leon was basically saying well He just realized actually this isn't the way I want to do it because it's not it's not the way I want my daughter to be brought There's a point where you just have to decide i'm going to take control for me I think it's important that you realize that though as I kind of mentioned a second ago is that You need to realize that there is trauma within you or there's something that needs to be healed in the first place As I said, if you don't think that you being violent or aggressive is a problem Then you're naturally just going to instill that into your kids anyway, I think it's identifying where the wrongs are and where the rights are and and kind of Trying to fix that within yourself because you can't you can't teach others before you learn You can't teach your kids before you've learned it doesn't make no sense So if you you haven't learned to to be compassionate and you haven't learned to have as you said that self-control How can you teach your kids to be that way?

If your only thing you know and the only thing you've learned is to be aggressive.

That's what you're going to teach your kids So I think that it comes down to that You need to just be able to identify and find the flaws within yourself before you can deal with raising a kid in the right way That's what I think Which requires listening and not just listening listening to that the people around you who've said certain things they use is like Oh, no, that's the way I do it or the other part is listening to yourself Do you feel okay afterwards?

Like after you do something like that or you show that level of discipline or speak to someone in that way Do you feel do you feel uplifted or do you feel drained? Like there's there's so many different identifiers to realize actually maybe this wasn't the right way Why is it that everything every time I do this or come to this place?

It always ends up being the same kind of feeling this draining feeling And that is something that you need to realize in yourself. Listen to yourself and listen to people around you I believe that is In the ideal world that we should yeah But did I I would say that I didn't I would say becoming a parent made me identify more traumas because prior to Becoming a parent.

I didn't even know my ways were wrong, you know Because again growing up I thought it was so normal again You know you guys laughing about me getting beat and it being so desensitized in that sense I just thought it was normal, you know And you know when i'm going into aggressive situations at the end, I did feel drained But I wasn't self-aware enough to know That was my body telling me that's not the right way for me, you know But just the desensitization of it.

I just thought all these things in the way I was feeling were just normal And even to point at them times. I almost felt like I wanted Back to it sounds weird because I was so used to getting beat. I felt like I had to punish myself You know what I mean?

And and I had to desensitize that self from from that that that association and not feel so guilty and not almost feel like I Needed to beat myself because no one's going to discipline me now.

It was it was that installed in me, you know And even up to today I um struggle with these things and I deal with these things on a daily basis But um, it's all a learning curve And it's like it's hard to unlearn you know, um Things you learn in your younger years But over a period of time you unlearn it for your better piece And I feel like i'm becoming more of a better person and like a happier person in general, you know And I don't let little things get to me so much I just take it literally as a pinch of salt and move on because you know what at least I've got a roof over my head.

Um, my little one's healthy and it's not the end of the world You know, my belly's full and there's bigger issues in life than you know, trying to you just Feel all this weight on your shoulders of aggression and just internalize it one situation. Um And yeah, that's what I would say about that to be honest the first thing as assignment You have to first identify that it's a trauma.

You have to identify that's a trauma because If you haven't identified that instead you pass it on to your kids, etc And sometimes you can do that before you have kids In leo's case your kid was the trigger to realize that it was trauma, you know, sometimes that's gonna happen But as long as you're constantly trying to better yourself You identify that's a trauma and you do everything you can to correct it.

That's the best you can be but the human All right, so thank you guys for obviously sending in those questions Um, obviously, hopefully you can take something away from the conversation We enjoyed obviously having you guys here as well This platform isn't just about us talking to you listeners.

It's about you guys getting involved to ask questions Continue the conversation And open up to us about your views and your experiences obviously if you've enjoyed the podcast Please like share and remember to follow us to stay up to date with all of our new content and events guys Thank you much. Thank you so much for joining us and thank you guys for listening. We'll see you guys soon