Ep8 | Am I Good Enough As A Father? (Ft Michael Harper)

So actually when we're talking to other people and we're saying certain things or we're judging people or putting some kind of like light on them It's because we see ourselves in them and be like, you know what? I'm proud of you. You know what?

I'm not proud of you You know what this and actually a lot of people take things very personal thinking are this man attacked me in this way or this Woman attacked me with their words Actually, it's just a reflection of what they believe understanding is what's going on everybody.

I hope you're all doing well Welcome to talking to my thoughts where we have open honest and raw conversations about well our thoughts Topics will range from anxiety life goals relationship money work everything that runs through our head So, you know the possibilities are endless You're here today with Craig Revere aka. Mr.

Positive and you're here with Simon aka s J And yeah, you're here with Michael Harper and I don't have an aka so just Michael So today we're talking about having kids I Just pushed on the table. I don't have any kids But yeah, let's actually let's just kick off with that. We've got the kids in the in the podcast. Yeah, well Craig's Craig's on zero I'm on two. I'm on two. I've got two girls and yeah myself.

I've got the one boy So you really got a bit of a context? About what's going on we're here to talk about I don't know having kids. Obviously, I don't have any so it's also about Future and thoughts about it or if there's any other younger ones you have in your family just in general What kind of thoughts we have about it?

Again, as you know in this podcast We're here to just have open conversations about just pretty much anything and having kids with something that popped up in our head Pretty much something that was probably always in our head in some way or form.

So for me having kids That's why I definitely want to have kids funny enough like I'm an only child but I actually want to have about five kids Trying to spread the law But no, but to one person one person But I Don't know. I was always I like big families fun enough. My parents have a few siblings and my Dad have that has several siblings. I've never actually wanted siblings.

But funny enough, I have won a lot of kids It's a bit weird. I've never actually felt alone as an only child, but I want five kids funny enough What about you sir?

Yeah, I mean it's interesting I guess the discussion can deviate slightly because we're talking about having kids But I guess we can also talk a little bit about Parenting or like fatherhood and how it is being a man and raising kids That'll be an interesting kind of thing to kind of Discuss as well Obviously, we'll jump into voice notes as well.

But my my little thing is obviously I've got I've got two girls I had my eldest quite young and if it's just something that's led me to have a different mindset in terms of Being a dad being mature How it is to be a man and growing up in a situation that's quite different to the friend circle you have around you, right?

So it will be a nice little thing that we can kind of dive I think it's a I think it's a good conversation to have And purely because I think the whole pressure thing is a big factor in having kids People around you will be the ones that I'll be like, oh when you having kids You haven't got any kids yet.

Those small comments will kind of creep up on you So I think it yeah, I think it's a good conversation to kind of be having as you know in talking to my thoughts We do just that we talk to our thoughts where we would basically have pre recordings of us talking to ourselves And the reason why we do that is because how we speak to ourselves is very different how we speak to other people So we are going to kick off with Simon's Recording and take a close listen and let's go from there So kids Parenting love responsibility It all Plays a part in creating your purpose.

That's what I believe. I believe having kids definitely gives you an Additional purpose in life. A lot of people are driven by that. I'm definitely driven by that. I'm a family man 100% And I guess that was just based on the way I was raised.

My dad was around and he's very much a family man And it's just something that was instilled in me Now I had I've got two girls My eldest who I had fairly young age, so 1920 and I have to be honest at that time My focus wasn't on starting a family It was about building a foundation for myself Getting my education in order finding a stable job moving out of my parents house settling down Those are the kind of steps that I had envisioned that I would take before I even had kids And it obviously went the other way around but I wouldn't I don't regret it at all and I I firmly believed that if everybody were to take responsibility and be a man and say look this isn't what I want, but I have to step up now and I have to be a support network for my family and Honestly do the right thing The world be a lot better place.

I love my kids. They're beautiful.

I love my kids I'll do anything for them and I think the problem with a lot of kids to be honest teenagers society today Unfortunately, they're searching for that father figure because that father figure isn't there so they get into these Criminal activities and they get into these situations Where they're vulnerable and they may not even think that's the case, but they are vulnerable because people are taking advantage of What they're seeking for in a father, but they're seeking it in the wrong places And that's where people get into trouble So parenting is not easy at all.

I will not stand here and say look Everyone should have kids. It's easy. It's a breeze.

Yeah It's so great It's so fun But it's not just like with any relationship that you have with anybody else your relationship with your kids It's gonna be difficult as well, and I haven't fully experienced it because my kids are still quite young but I'm here for the journey No angle like I was I Was really powerful and You can feel there's a lot of passion behind it in a sense of the two part of two sides of the world I saw was the one where you stepped up as being responsible and as you classed it being a man about it Because you was brought up in this kind of family orientated way And the other side is what you what you see in the world is if you're not gonna step up what would happen?

Obviously those kind of things some of them are subjective. There's a lot of different Variables around why some people can't step up or they just don't for they can or they're not ready There's so many different things about it Regardless of it.

You're strong about how you feel about it and what you believe your responsibility is and that's what we the main focus of it I had the same family orientation like well me and Simon are basically family anyway, but same kind of bring up both mom and dad Very strong with cousins.

Everyone had the mom and dad actually I don't have any close cousins that didn't have their mom and dad together in in the UK actually So I completely understand like why it's so important to step up and do those kind of things And be a father about it.

It's not easy if you have to create relationships So I completely get how you would feel like it's necessary because actually you're probably thinking when you're making some of the comments You're thinking well If I wasn't there the mouth things that the mothers will have to do with on their own And that just takes a massive repercussion.

It has a ripple effect But yeah, I'll let you get it straight away Totally agree what you said this is both obviously you got two sides to it But I'm also again similar background to you guys both parents are there and that's vital Yeah from a young age you see this and you kind of grow up thinking yeah This is this is what I would want I guess.

Yeah, but yeah, just thinking about when I was a child all my friends They were they didn't have both parents in their lives and I could see the difference between me and them So you talking about, you know people getting into crime and violence like seen that Maybe that was due to the fact that they didn't have both parents that were that male figure in their life and then Constantly striving to look for that person So yeah, like you definitely covered some nothing.

I mean, I think I think it's important I think and Craig one thing that you said was obviously if you're thinking about our or what if I wasn't there What would the mother have to deal with to be completely honest just because of where my mindset was that I couldn't even think like that Yeah, it's not even a case of what would happen if I wasn't there. I'm gonna be there Like I have to step up.

Yeah, there's not there's no two ways about it I got to step up which is bound to how we've been brought up because I Even when we had I think not even just brought like oh, yeah, our fathers were just present. No, no, no, no, no For me and I think sure your is your like your father for uncle as well is the same thing He was not just present.

He was dead And I'm pretty sure we've had it with your parents they act like units like with my parents, you know in some periods Are what do your mom say and then if your mom said that I'm supporting that Yeah, what would your dad say?

I'm supporting that your parents are the same kind of that kind of one-time unit A proper relation and you know, well, not everyone has this kind of strong unit and relationship behind Parenting and stuff like that, but I believe this is the really steering drive behind Yeah, what made you just say, you know what?

I'm stepping up regardless of what it is I will take responsibility of if I want this or not if I had other plans or not Yeah, this is what I believe in because this is how my foundation is built Yeah, so yeah, but this is a it's actually a value that's been instilled in you from since birth Yeah, I guess some of it I guess Michael some of it plays on some of the things that you mentioned about There was a little bit of pressure as well Yeah Because as as I said and and as Craig said as well is that a lot of the family around us They have that same unit.

So it's like There is that little bit of pressure to be like you can't be the one person You can't be that Everyone else has got their dads around with it. There's no way you're gonna be the one person in our family Who's not gonna be around for their own kids?

Like it's not happening There was that little bit of pressure as well As I said because of that value and I might say I got from my own dad and the rest of my family like that just wasn't an option for me, yeah, it makes me just it's interesting that you say that because I Do know a lot of my friends that maybe didn't have a father by the same time I know a lot of them that did have their father in their life and Or have their grandfather stuff for that and it and it makes me interested as to what makes it people not for that pressure Mmm, what is the but the tipping balance that makes them think I just can't do this Verse I'm gonna do this is a very interesting fact.

And again, this is a podcast that's open to everyone So we want to hear from people that maybe didn't have both parents or maybe they only had their father or whichever one It is we want to hear what you how you feel about it. What do you think the tipping balance is cause?

What happens in the sense of what what makes you want to step up and even and for all the people that are basically Fathers, but they haven't been present in their child's life. We actually do want to hear from you Not something that you have to you have to be ashamed of or feel anywhere about it because actually everybody's story is valid You know whichever way it is and you know what?

Some people end up being in somebody's life later on some people just didn't have the opportunity because the relationship was toxic There's so many different variables and we're not saying that you know what you're not being there's like you're not a man You're a man the same way. There's so many different things. We want to hear about it.

Yep And it's not obviously it's not for us to judge anyway No, it's not for us to judge at all As I said for me, it's like it's important that you have to be there but if there are there's always gonna be a situation where there may be certain factors involved where you can't be there unfortunately or It may be a choice because of certain things that you've had to make that choice that you didn't want to make Like some people let's be honest.

Some people aren't around because of just demand their mentality isn't there? Yeah, and they may not be mature enough to handle that responsibility as I brought up. It's about being responsible Especially if you've had a kid young you may not be able to take on that responsibility You have to understand that as well is that people will have a different mindset. That's it I'm not fair enough.

We can all always sleep people and say look where you was man enough to get the person pregnant You will step up now But at the end of the day if he was a kid when that happened We can't judge you for not having the mentality to be like I'm gonna take responsibility for this now and you know the beauty of this podcast is that We almost skew what we believe our thoughts are Versus what we tell the world Because actually what Simon was doing because Simon would never be in somebody's face Because I know Simon would never be in someone's face and be like, you're not a man because you didn't step up Actually, he was talking to himself in that voice note He was like how he speaks to how he was brought up his foundation what his core values are He knows he can't he will not be classed himself as a man if he didn't step up In the way that he know he could have in a sense So it's not to say that oh when he was playing it was saying to everybody that's not done it Then you thought not a man is actually he was playing it for himself because he spoke to himself So this is the beauty of this podcast that actually our thoughts of what we see What we speak to ourselves is very different to what we say in the world And sometimes when you put out what you think in yourself to the world comes about all skewed If you don't even know what you're saying sometimes because you're actually just speaking to yourself And again, I always tell people this is one thing Is one thing everything that we say or everything that we do to other people is a reflection of what we feel inside of ourselves So actually when we're talking to other people and we're saying certain things or we're judging people Putting some kind of like light on them is because we see ourselves in them and be like, you know what?

I'm proud of you. You know what? I'm not proud of you You know what this and actually a lot of people take things very personal thinking are This man attacked me in this way or this woman attacked me with their words Actually, it's just a reflection of what they believe understanding is because as I said 15 years old you have a baby um Everything just seems like no, I can't step up for nothing.

I'm just a kid the 10 years later um Of course, i'm going to step up my adult But actually sometimes that decision that you made when you were 15, for example is very necessary But again, it's a reflection of reflective time for you to understand. I was growing I can't I can't put myself in two ways. There's no good path all the time There's sometimes it's bad past sometimes it's good.

All right, you just need to be able to navigate but anyways, I won't go on too long So I was gonna ask something. So do you guys personally know anyone that's has children, but they're not there for their children like that I do know people but to be honest, i'm not very close to them. Right.

Yeah, I know So do you think you're not close to them because of that or do you think it's like just I don't I think the reason why i'm probably not close to them is because we don't share those same values same values Yeah, and that's probably why they're not around maybe because if they shared the same values as me They would be around right? Maybe that's just someone i'm I know a few in my family.

Um And they care and funny enough they care a lot about family in themselves, but and then I know a few that was in england as well The ones in my family, I think the ones in england actually both It was the partner that they couldn't get on with right and the partner was making it long or making things Length out or the partners keeping the kid away or it was just so toxic So actually they had to they felt that it's it's They removed themselves entirely right now simon saw that he sees it as a relationship with his kids Right, you don't see a relationship with the partner sees a relationship with his kids and the partner is also a part of it But you know what if the partner's not there, you know what?

I know simon who'd just be there for the kid Yeah, and that's and I think that's what people Don't have that kind of separation.

Maybe it's too hard because actually technically In the court of law unless you're incapable Nobody can keep you away from your kid There you will fight for what you want and you will get what you want in a sense And I think some people just don't do that as well Right and for the people that I know a lot of them is like, oh the woman is just too toxic or the whole relationship Or the family or something like that.

That's what keeps them away. Yeah, some of them choose to And they just feel like you know, I just it's too late now But some of them are actually like, you know what it's just too hard with the partner I can't I can't work with her in any way and then court is also something you want to bring law into it. You understand? Um, but you know what we can go on for a long time.

So let's get into the next one Um, michael is going to play a voice recording for us. Um again These are beauty of us sharing our thoughts in the rawest form. So go ahead michael. Yeah, go for it parenting Where can I start with this? The day I found out I was going to become a father. I was excited.

Yeah, just super excited Nervous there was a sense of fear there, too Just fear of the fact that I'm going to become responsible for another human being But overall was just pure excitement Excitement for what was about to happen Pregnancy was amazing smooth Enjoyed the whole nine months just seeing my partner transition from A woman to another woman fatherhood, but overall the experience has been amazing And I think each parent will have their own story.

I don't think this can be written I don't think this can be kind of read about Your own experiences your own experience Especially going through the birth like going through that experience. It's each to their own and Personally for me I just remember thinking I need these two to come out alive. I need them to come out healthy.

I need them to come out well and Yeah, that those were the main concerns during birth There's definitely a big sense of fear when that happened But yes, it was just a bag of mixed emotions You can't really prepare yourself for it. You just kind of go Through with what you're feeling at the time But definitely after that my thoughts were We're about the future Our next steps what what am I going to do next?

Do I get a full-time job to support the family? Do I stick at my freelancing? paying bills Yeah, it's a lot a lot to juggle but These were the experiences that I knew I wanted to make for the family I had to think about these Because this is a new responsibility. It's not it's no longer about just me. It's about the family Fatherhood It's an amazing thing.

I wouldn't have changed anything for the world Craig's ready I mean It's interesting that as you said the dynamics are always going to be different and the experience is going to be different for Everyone there's no you can't just write a book on how it should be and everyone can just relate to it straight away Your experience is clearly different to mine But the only reason I say that is because as I said, I had mine quite young so my mindset is different Yeah, of course So it's it's it's refreshing to actually hear and just by the way that he was talking about I can tell What kind of man or what kind of father you want to be or already just because of the fact of You was already you had those fears you was concerned about your baby He was concerned about your partner He was thinking about your family and what to do for the future and how you're going to support them Through the pregnancy you was excited and you enjoyed it and you lot and it's like That it shows you the place that you was at when that happened and then where you are now Yeah Now more so for me as I said, I was quite young but my mindset was Very much.

I was in a selfish place, right? And I'll be honest about that my mindset as I said in my voice note is I was thinking about Trying to get a steady job. I was trying to think about moving out of my house I was trying to think about my education. I weren't thinking about no kids so when when that kind of crept up it was like As I said, it wasn't something I wanted But I had to just be handled it. Yeah.

Yeah, so the experience was different. I would like to know obviously from you just where As I said those fears and that pressure. Yeah that pressure because you obviously mentioned that So I guess like in sense of fear Obviously early on just becoming a parent like you just you don't know what's gonna happen But I guess now we're in a more comfortable space like the whole idea of fear.

It's just about I guess failing You don't want to let your family down. I think that's what it was for me personally like I don't want my child to want things and Not my partner to feel like oh things are not going to plan or there's we're gonna lose the house or whatever I never want to get to that point.

So I guess that's where my fear was coming from Yeah, so I was thinking do I get a full-time job just to be a bit secure and have like steady income? Here, you know But to me you could do your your steady income job anytime like just if you're freelancing or contracting But that was my main fear was just to support the family. If I can't do that what happens next?

I'm actually interested as well because why do you think that that pressure is on? Why do you why do you put that pressure on yourself? So I I only I purely think it's because what I see growing up My family my dad my father my uncle's Granddad they were always people in the family.

That was the one that was kind of controlling things not controlling But they were the breadwinners of the family and they was taking control and ownership of their family I think that's I think from a young age. That's what i've seen and I thought That looks correct to me. This is and especially when we had like the birth happened and everything I wanted to do Right, it wasn't it wasn't so much pressure.

It was like I actually Want to do all these things because before that I was very selfish. I was very very I wasn't about sharing like none of this stuff But as soon as all this happened like I wanted to take ownership I wanted to go and you know buy this or buy that you need the crib.

I'm going to buy it today I wanted to do that It's very interesting that you said that like that you're like your uncles that were the breadwinners and fun enough in my family We didn't again some things are different.

It's nice to see that like in my my parents They kind of even right with bread winning like and even my godmother and my godfather On all their partners and that they're actually quite evened out like they both were nobody works from home or nothing like that Um, so it's very interesting that you said that but at the same time I still have the same feeling as you that okay if I was to have a kid someday I looked in the sky looking for it I would see as I have to step up to to be the breadwinner not to not that I have to not to say i'm Saying my partner don't work or nothing like that.

But I feel like you've done a lot Yeah, you've done your 60 or 60 hours over time for a long time. Like it's like, you know what? Let me take the rest from you and it's interesting that you you have that does she work now actually? Yeah, she's like she's been working like she works part-time now Um, so when they thankfully where she works, they've got a crush there So she takes a little one with him.

She gets to check up on him like every now and then But it was it was because of I saw what she went through I was like there's no way on earth I can walk away from this and you carry on taking responsibility that like it didn't make sense in my head but I was happy happily to put my money elsewhere and Buy things that we need to have and stuff like that. That's interesting.

Um, let me i'll give my My my two cents of nothing um I do have i've actually had a fear about having kids in the first place to be honest with you again i'm a very People know me i'm very strategic and planned out person Um, I did get to do simon's dream. I got to get my job buy my property I'm financially stable god willing touching tables everything.

All right um, but um I'm if anything i'm already a full family someone say oh, yeah have babies like yeah It's not fun. It's not a finance thing to me even actually I do contracts So that is something i'm still juggling thinking about what what do I do? Um I do have a fear about having kids and it's never actually been about finance Well now it's not about finance, but it's mostly been about am I enough? Yeah.

Yeah Will I be able to do enough? I've been unless the fee actually travels on to being a husband as well partner Am I enough as a partner or i'm enough to be a husband?

I've always seen oh, yeah I'm a good man or i'm a good friend or i'm a good Boyfriend, but i've never seen actually am I enough to be a husband and it's a journey I have to take And you don't know as as usual kind of saying you don't know until you have to step it up And then you realize no that man's out, you know, yeah, like actually these two actually great fathers as to their children and you can see it's It's almost in your dna because I see I know some people that I meet them and i'm like, right You got kids like i'll speak to him for like a year or two and it's like, yeah So I got um, yeah, I just with my little one.

I was like, yeah Simon i've known for time and he's always been Yeah With his kid and then with you actually all the times i've met you up on the bus and that is like Let me show the wife if he's cool And then he's actually with the kid and kids give me some dirty looks on that It's it's it's different there's different levels to this kind of thing Um to be in part of life and that's what I imagine myself I imagine myself being like usual like being a full part of the the family and And given like I do believe I have to step up.

This is my responsibility. This is My this is how I was brought up and not just because of how I was brought up. It's just It's not even about me.

Yeah, it's not about oh, I believe I need to be that so I can so I can take off the man box actually A kid deserves the two parents And that's what we got in the sense so that I can say that is a massive blessing and it was the balance of my parents My mom and dad being there to do the different things and pick up when one's ill or all these kind of things That was a big I saw that right and that was what made me think actually yeah, this is this is a unit You'll never see mom without dad never see dad without mom You never never get cussed by one and not cussed by the other It's a unit and that's and that that that stuck with me, right and that also created a fear in me Yeah, because then i'm like bro.

I'm a very selfish person I'm gonna live up to that And I don't have siblings and I don't want siblings. I don't want siblings. I'm like Okay, so you don't want siblings you don't worry and you've never really been in like the whole relationship type But now you're you're in one and it's like How do you transfer from this to that? Yeah, and you know what it is as you lot have done?

To fate the two feet in You didn't step down.

You didn't say you know, we weren't technically feet in it was something else Um But yeah You put your both feet in and and I want to be that same kind of person So if anything having used a lot around and talking about this is it's inspiring Um to to hear it and see and see while it's like you didn't even complain What you didn't complain a little bit But it's it's not even actually because like I know Simon again And even when he spoke at the first he just felt that that's actually a part of him He didn't say that was like a separation.

Oh, yeah, man got kids in him and just has to do with what he has to do But yeah, she's like, no, this is my family. He spends most of his time with his kids. So it's beautiful to see that It just comes again.

It just all comes down to and I don't want anyone to hear this and think that The position that they're in whether they're not in heavily involved in their kids lives like For me anyway, it's about my family values and what I believe in and what I think is right And obviously if you're in a situation where unfortunately you can't be in your child's life because of certain circumstances, then That's just something that you have to deal with but what I would always say and what craig actually mentioned earlier is that Try and think of it as a relationship that you need to build with your child As much as possible because you got to think less from a selfish perspective and think about Them they are now a person they were brought into this world whether they liked it or not like it weren't there and it's now like Imagine how they're going to then be raised or be or grow up without that complete family I'm not saying they're not going to have a family unit because they may have their mother in their life They may be raised by their grandparents or whatever.

So they're still going to have a family unit But essentially it won't be complete because the dad won't be around right?

So it's just thinking about how How would you see your child being raised without that full family unit in place and to be honest I think that going back to one of the things I said is a lot of the time That's where kids get into trouble because they may be searching for that thing that's missing in their life And they start looking in the wrong places They start looking at the people that they're seeing on the streets and rare tear tear thinking Okay, these are the people or the man that I need to look up to i'm going to follow in his footsteps And that's when they get taken advantage of and that's when things get into trouble you understand key key piece that you're saying They're actually one is obviously giving time to your kid um and that's that being from both parents because they need love from both kind of parents male and female and Whichever way it doesn't matter both parents is necessary.

It's a unit It's like a it's a village to bring up a child a key part that I want to interjecting is actually you said, um juggling bills juggling.

Yep Now I can't like i've got a lot of friends who this is a very key part juggling work and work hours over time and like especially those are single parents, how do they do all of that and um, I watch a lot of them just Do so much work and i'm like and then when they when they're not working then they Spend some time with the kid to make sure they go to school come back But then the rest of it they want they need to recharge they need to reset so they go drink or they go over their friends Always sometimes question are you spending time with your kid?

Now i'm not trying to judge i'm not i'm not a parent at all But actually with my parents they were from they started from the bottom Yeah, like reusing nappies kind of thing all the way to Having getting a house and stuff like that and sending me away for them to make more money to then get a house They went through the top to the bottom but the bottom to the top.

Sorry and but in all honesty The one thing I always had it wasn't that I had an abundance of stuff They gave me this stuff when they couldn't afford it, but It was the fact that they gave me time Time was just the key thing that they gave and that is one thing that I I actually almost watch other My friends my friends and their kids and i'm like, uh, sorry for you Because actually you're not getting her time Yeah, you know actually if anything i'm getting more of your time that you go to school and you just think that's enough Or he thinks that's enough.

But actually you deserve Real time and sometimes I know you're working for bills and all these produce and all these kind of things You know what if you have enough to to live I would say spend the rest of it On time, okay, that's where my mind's at at the moment. It's more about It's not so much how much money i'm making. It's more about okay. I've got things covered The rest of the time is like family time.

That's that's where my mind's at the moment Not saying that it might not change but that's where it is right now that's interesting actually because now that i'm thinking about is like Even though some people are around for their kids Are they really present in their lives?

Because you're saying that they could be fair enough again, it's all down to mindset as well They may be in the the mindset of I have a child now I need to step up.

I need to work like how many odd hours in a week You're working so hard to try and provide for your child that you're not even around for your child Yeah So at the same time they're still gonna go down that avenue of looking for an actual father figure because you're their dad But you're actually not around because you're working so hard.

And the funny thing is i've seen a lot of this stuff in Oh, what was I watching? Every tv show I saw it on a tv program like wife swap or whatever And there was a man that was rich. He's a rich guy making all this money doing all this work And he's in the room with his daughter and the daughter don't even want to chat to him. Yeah That's your child bro. How your child don't want to chat to you.

He's like, yeah, i'm working hard to provide for her I bought her a pony and all these things. Yeah, but she don't she don't respect you bro Because you're not there So I think it's important to know again for our listeners is about Being present as well. That's another important thing is just being present. Yeah, we're not trying to bash. Let me tell you something I recently found her.

Yeah, I think about two weeks got that my mother didn't work for 15 years Recently found out So what all she was doing was you? Yeah But she was just she looked after us like me my brother my sister for straight 15 years didn't work All this time with me growing up. I had no clue.

Yeah, so what did you I don't understand Where did you think obviously obviously I was doing my stuff You know, I come home there was always food and yeah, there was lego I didn't think it didn't hit me until like I literally was just speaking about a couple weeks ago and I I saw you was working at this place. So She's like no, I wasn't working at this point in time.

But to me, I thought she was working at this company but Now i've just yeah 15 years like she didn't work for 15 So that means my father was doing everything for those 15 years for three kids and and his wife Was he was he around a lot Well, he was working night well nine to five.

That's what it was but he was now he was he was present He was definitely present like oh on every other week going swimming with doing this like he was that activity guy My dad was the same thing like sometimes it would be like he worked seven days in a week and you know What seven days is four weeks?

But um evenings evenings are always like boom down time dinner time stuff like that And then when we get to go out we're going out together doing things together He always gets me the stuff I get to build it will build stuff together with me um And again, we're not trying to again for listeners This is not we're not trying to like some people are listening like it's hard.

I have to work like this But you know what we're not trying to bash you like you do what you need to do But we're just saying when you get the chance to be present at this small moment Maybe you put down the phone you don't watch your netflix. Just spend a bit of time It means it's it means it doesn't seem like you're changing the world, but it means the world to them Yeah, because you are there.

Well, that's all it that's all it is and I don't have kids But that's how it felt to me with my parents, right?

um, and it's crazy about you the thing that you mentioned about your mom actually because i've heard quite a lot of In this day and age that obviously there's the whole oh, yeah breadwinner And the man and then there's this equality thing where everyone's half half But actually i've actually heard quite a few of my even my mom's old colleagues have gone to the point of Some of them went higher paid jobs both of them and they said and the woman just says I don't Yeah, I don't want to work anymore.

I don't want to work anymore.

Yeah, I just I just want to think and then the man just says Okay, yeah, i'll step up to step up provide that and then they'll be the kid So I've I've but and I and even for me, um, we've talked about a podcast about financial freedom and stuff at the end The whole point of me wanting to even contract or freelance is actually To get to the point where actually you're freeing up more and more time where there's less work and there's more time because time is everything And that's why I really want to go to spend with um my kid.

Um, my kids and my family even my parents now It doesn't as as a kid and having kids. It's both sides That's why I go to santa lucia so often for example, because I want to spend time with my time with everything So it's not about the money.

I don't know if I uh Just what you that that scenario that you spoke about when you said, okay There's two partners together they both got a kid and then One of them says, okay I don't want to work anymore. Whatever. So that one says cool.

I'm gonna be a man step up or whatever Not trying to be funny yet I kind of think that's a little bit selfish Not not for the fact that okay, he's done his thing and he's gonna step up cool But that means you're working those extra hours, which means you're losing that time and for me time is the most valuable thing So now you're gaining The the the partner one of the partners i'm not gonna say the woman But one of the partners is taking more time to then spend time with the kids and bring them up Meantime you'll spend all your time just earning money.

So you're losing the value in what you really want, which is that family value like I think that's a little bit Maybe the way I said it was maybe a bit weird because it's not like oh, yeah The kid was like one or two years old and he's like, you know what?

You see your time with your kid i'm taking that like that it was more like um She got pregnant and then they obviously they have the um And then after they go back to work and it's like it's just not working for them They're just not feeling it and yeah, it's still but in that sense, it's still the same thing It's a discussion though. You know, honestly, um, it's a discussion in that sense.

You don't just say oh, yeah You know, I don't want to work no more and i'm out. It's like actually We got a discussion because this is a bit more my time or maybe you can do something at home So like I know like a colleague of mine that um, he contracts and then I saw he said he has like three kids He said also what's your wife knows that my wife is um with the kids all the time Um said oh does she work?

Oh, she's actually yeah She started baking just before she had the first kid and fun enough that took off So she just keeps doing that so she actually makes a bit of side money baking while watching the kids Yeah, and the kids are at school.

So she actually gets to do a lot around the house Anyway, and do the hustle or side hustle and I get to contract and contract allows me to take times off of half term and holidays, so actually It works out.

It worked out well and I said that's interesting And the reason why I was like kind of blown away by that because I said This is what the life kind of life I would like where you get to work take this kind of time But I said to him fun enough.

We always think oh, yeah when we get into it, then we will do it But fun enough this he said as he said he was contracting and she was starting her side hustle before she had even the first kid It's a foundation you build before you've even had the kids So again people need to be quite intentional about what how you use your time Intentional about how you use your time.

Don't just spend it on all this work and all this like lavish stuff step up when you need to Set a foundation for yourself for what you want And again if you had a nice life with your family or you want to change how your families have been brought up Be intentional about it. You know what?

I don't want the same thing for my kids or I would like both partners Choose the right kind of partner not choose the right kind of partner everyone wants the right kind of partner, but you know You know the values that you will you will you'll see Don't don't second guess yourself.

Don't cheap cheap out yourself like get yourself the right partner get yourself the right kind of job Get yourself value your time and time will be able to that might be a nice little topic that we can talk about in another podcast actually Just about relationships and how you balance your time, especially with a family as well partnerships how you you Coexist, I guess that might be a nice thing to kind of talk about But um, yeah, I guess we can we can kind of wrap it up there Generally what we do at the end of our podcast obviously before we or as we find our discussion is just to give a bit of food for thought and Maybe just have something that we can take away from it or something that we think our listeners might be Might be useful for them to take away just based on the discussion that we've had.

So rake, do you want to go first? um Don't allow your fears to ruin your life. Um, sometimes we do fear about marriage relationships kids Um, etc, etc, but you know what? As with everything don't put don't be half-hearted about it. Go two feet in step up Do what you think put your your 100 in it, unless you always know that you you put your 100 I think that's what i'll leave off with on my part.

No I just want to before I even get into that. Just want to shout to you know, the baby moms man Yes, baby mothers like that just have kids and they're trying to balance out Baby fathers. Oh, yeah, but I guess you don't really hear too much of them, you know, but These single mothers out here. They're just doing they're doing a lot. Yeah. So yeah, definitely Actually, I don't know any fathers alone.

So yeah, definitely the single most you lot do a lot So keep doing it keep driving seriously Yeah, that's just um Yeah, I guess how can I wrap this up?

I guess mainly fathers Just keep doing what you're doing, you know, just keep striving and Try and working for the best Keeping your family together But those who can't do that, you know, I guess as you said earlier on craig like maybe might be five ten years At some point try and reconnect And yeah, that's what i'm gonna end them Before you lot finish.

Yeah, because I realized I said, oh you said shout out to baby mothers Then I said shout out to baby fathers, but then you don't might be taking it what my baby I don't want to get fired. Yeah Hey, just let me address this When I said shout out to baby fathers, I meant the ones that are like single single Shout out to single dads.

Yeah My last uh food for thought I guess is Understand that you don't need to put that pressure on yourself and even though You may think that you're not ready Trust me. You're ready.

You're always you're always going to be in a situation where you're going to need to eventually make a judgment call and You're never going to be prepared for it And I just think don't put that pressure on yourself to think am I ready to take on that situation or not? When that situation comes, you'll know As they say no challenges above us god gave us everything that we needed.

So make sure you step up to it But just thinking about I was trying to reconnect my mum's story 15 years of not working So Obviously my sister's a lot older than I am so it was when I was zero to five Is when that was her last five years of not working? That's why I most probably didn't 15 years old Michael thank you for having me guys.

Yeah, and I was good to have you as you know We love to hear other people's stories baby father's baby mother's single mother's single father, you know I'm just going to cover everything We love to hear your story We love to hear any contradictions you may have anything that you agree with anything that Any thoughts that maybe came in your head?

share it with us email us you could be anonymous it could be video it could be pictures anything just We're here to listen We're here to talk about it and we're here to just be open and honest about everything that we have in our heads Because it's all valid So thank you for listening as usual Make sure you like share all of that and check out michael harper if you need a logo That won't come michael just say what you do man.

I'll do everything man anything graphic related That's this nice and simple. So the support man support the family in it. Yeah. So anyway, take it easy everyone. Peace out. Yes