Making room for friendship when adult life is full

When I learn something new about myself, I want to tell someone. My parents, my friends, my partner. Having somebody you want to tell is a lovely thing. Making time can be harder.

Make the invitation fit the diary

Maybe you've been meaning to message a friend for weeks. You want a proper catch-up, but a whole free evening never seems to appear.

What would actually fit? ‘Fancy a twenty-minute call this week?’ gives someone a plan they can answer. You can suggest a time and leave room for a different one.

• A coffee near work.
• A walk after something you already need to do.
• A voice note when your diaries won’t line up.

Give the meeting something simple to sit around

An activity can give the meeting an easy shape. You might enjoy seeing someone while doing something ordinary, without needing to organise a big occasion.^[nhs]

The NHS loneliness guidance suggests interest-based groups or classes and taking time to observe if you're nervous. You can consider what suits your circumstances.

A plan still needs to work for both people. Cost, access, caring responsibilities and simply not liking the activity all matter. Ask what would feel comfortable rather than making one plan the test of the friendship.

Let the conversation find its level

Some catch-ups are mostly jokes. Some become a conversation you didn't know you needed. You can say what you'd welcome without deciding in advance how deep it has to go.^[episode]

In our conversation about trust, we explore the people who have shown reliability and how much we feel able to share. Once you make the time, what sort of space do you give each other?

You might start with something you've noticed about yourself and then ask what's been happening for them. There can be more to tell than the usual work update.

Handle a quiet response without inventing the explanation

An unanswered invitation can sting. It tells you they haven't replied; it doesn't yet tell you why.^[nhs]

You can leave some room for that uncertainty. If the friendship has felt one-sided for a long time, you can think about that pattern separately from one message.

Friendship also can't provide every kind of support. If you're finding things hard to cope with, the NHS page includes further guidance. You can look for appropriate professional support alongside making room for company.

Who did you think of while reading? What have you been wanting to tell them? A message can be small and still be real. Leave room to hear what's on their mind too.