Who are you beyond being a dad?

Who are you outside being a dad? Dan finds that difficult to answer in our conversation. You might be thinking about your own answer already. What comes to mind?

Dan’s difficult answer

SJ asks Dan about his identity beyond fatherhood. Dan talks about how we adapt in different situations, and the conversation moves between how others see us and what we recognise in ourselves.^[episode]

I like leaving room for that uncertainty. A role can take up so much of the day that a question about your own interests needs a little time.

You could begin with something smaller than a description of your whole identity: an interest, a preference or a quality you recognise in ordinary moments.

A Saturday with some space in it

Here's a fictional example. A father's children are away on Saturday morning. He has jobs to do and some unplanned time, but he draws a blank when he asks what he'd enjoy.

Eventually he remembers sketching, a friend he hasn't seen and getting outside. He gets out a sketchbook that's already in the house and spends half an hour drawing what's on the kitchen table.

He doesn't finish a picture. He does find something he'd like to do again.

Find the part you want back

What did he miss about drawing? Perhaps it was being absorbed in something he chose. For someone else, the part they miss about sport might be the company afterwards.^[episode]

• What did I enjoy within that activity?
• Is there a version that fits my life now?
• Do I still want it, or am I remembering an old preference?

Later in the episode, Dan mentions walking as the conversation turns towards making space for yourself. What is actually available to you this week?

Give the next Saturday a little shape

In the fictional example, the father realises he'd like to send his friend a photograph of the sketch. Next time, making something and sharing it could both be part of the morning.

Your time may be shaped very differently. Start with the responsibilities and opportunities you have, rather than a version of life you're supposed to copy.

If you returned to that opening question after trying something of your own, what would you add? You could tell somebody what you enjoyed and ask what they've been finding time for. You can be working out the answer while having the conversation.